It’s official: the mental load is hurting your relationship with your partner, survey finds

We’re in the middle of summer, which is stressful itself if you have school-age kids. Now, as you juggle child care, summer camps, vacations, work if you’re employed, staying home with your kids all day if you’re not, and anything else these few months bring, you also have to start thinking about back-to-school schedules and planning.

Skylight partnered with The Harris Poll to publish the Skylight Mental Load Report, and the study uncovered just how much time parents tend to spend scheduling and planning: 30.4 hours a week. That’s basically a full-time job, and if you actually got paid for carrying the mental load, you’d be making $60,000 a year. In addition to spending so much time on family planning, parents also reported that the mental load takes up 63% of their brain space.

As a result, out of the 2,005 parents of children under 18 who were surveyed, an astonishing 79% said they have felt anxiety about scheduling family tasks. Sadly, this also means that more than half of parents believe they spend more time on the logistical parts of parenting than the joyful ones.

Carrying the mental load doesn’t just hurt your relationship with your kids, it also takes a massive toll on your relationship with your partner. According to the study, the majority of parents (61%) say that family planning has led to decreased time with their partner, and 47% admit they’ve had less or worse sex because of the associated stress. Half of the parents surveyed say their family schedule has been the cause for more arguments and miscommunication with their partner.

And the kicker? Both parents believe they carry the majority of the mental load. Primary caregivers believe they carry 75% of the mental load while non-primary caregivers believe they carry 56%. You don’t have to be a mathematician to see that number is way higher than 100% (it’s 131% to be exact), proving there’s no limit to this type of emotional labor. 

Motherly’s own State of Motherhood report found that just 35% of moms over 30 say they share equal household duties with their partners.​

While there’s no easy fix to the heavy burden of carrying the mental load, the report shows that 61% of parents are able to enjoy time with their children more when the family schedule is running smoothly. And that’s not the only benefit. More than half of parents also reported the following:

• Feeling less parental burnout
• Experiencing more and better sex
• Spending more time with their kids
• Noticing less anxious children
• Having better relationships with their children and with their partner

Of course, the reality of making this happen is easier said than done, but if you’re able to take some things off your own plate or find a way to streamline your calendar, it could help your mental health, and in turn, your relationships. Unfortunately, the mental load is something every parent carries, and it’s heavy. If nothing else, this survey will hopefully make you feel less alone.

Curious just how many hours a week you’re spending scheduling and planning? Skylight built a Mental Load Calculator, which you can try here.