Your kid needs you to have hobbies outside of motherhood. Here’s why
Photo by Doyo Hermann on Unsplash
Hobbies aren’t a luxury for moms. They boost well-being, nurture identity, and show our children what a full life looks like.
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Twenty-four years. That’s how long it had been since I last stood atop a swim block, preparing to dive in for a timed race in an official meet.
A whistle blew. The crowd hushed to silence. A monotone call came over the loudspeaker, “Swimmers, take your mark,” followed by a loud electronic beep that signaled the start of the race. I felt the cold rush of water overtake my body upon diving in. The neurons in my brain feverishly told my muscles to complete the strokes I’d learned decades before. In seconds, it was done. I finished the race.
When I got out of the pool, I walked over to my kids. My son, a competitive swimmer himself, looked at me and earnestly said, “Wow, Mom. I’m proud of you.”
How an old hobby helped me find myself again at 41 years old
Like most moms, I have a packed schedule. I work, parent, volunteer at school, shepherd my two kids to practices and social gatherings, throw meals together, walk the dog, and occasionally find a moment to breathe. But over the past couple of years, I watched my growing kids, now ages 12 and 9, discover and engage in passions that light them up. It left me wondering, why not me, too?
“A recurring theme in my practice is women feeling they’ve lost their individual identities somewhere between work, parenting, and meeting everyone else’s needs,” says Carly Snyder, a New York City–based reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist. “Part of my work involves helping women recognize that their own interests and needs are legitimate.”
In an effort to start prioritizing my own interests, I jumped at the chance to sign up for a summer swim league for adults aptly named “Grown-Up Swimming.” The whole experience reignited my love for swimming, and it showed me and my kids that I’m more than just a mom.
Why moms need hobbies
Research highlights a multitude of benefits earned by pursuing hobbies. Hobbyists often have wider social networks, improved mental health markers, and enhanced positive emotions.
Hobbies offer a particularly important lifeline for mothers, who often report losing themselves to the demanding needs of family life. That rings true for Kaitlyn Edington, an art educator and mom of two who recalls struggling after returning to work as a teacher following the birth of her first child. “I was so depleted,” Edington says. She spent her workdays teaching with short breaks to pump, often bringing her computer into her pumping room so she could catch up on work, then went home to full nights of infant care.
One day while scrolling on Instagram, Edington saw an artist posting images of her sketchbook paintings. “She changed my life,” Edington says. “Her sketchbook paintings were so loose and free, and she was encouraging people to draw everyday. I remember thinking, ‘If I have to pump two to three times a day, which I absolutely hate, why not pair it with something that I love?’” From then on, Edington sketched when she pumped, and ultimately developed a habit of daily sketching that she continues 10 years later.
No longer in the pumping phase of life, Edington ensures she gets time to sketch by waking up before her kids. “I hold the habit of waking up before my kids as sacred,” she says. “I need that time, when nobody needs me. It’s my emotional rest.”
Science backs Edington’s belief that her hobby stabilizes her mental health. “Reengaging in meaningful, enjoyable activities can be therapeutically valuable,” Snyder says. “Behavioral activation, an evidence-based treatment for depression, specifically emphasizes reconnecting with activities that provide pleasure, purpose, or a sense of accomplishment.”
How our hobbies benefit our kids, too
Snyder has three children, ages 19, 16, and 11, and throughout their lives she has maintained her dedication to skiing, cycling, yoga and running, completing a total of 19 marathons. She knows her kids benefit from her hobbies. Each time Snyder trains for an upcoming marathon, “[My kids] witness my commitment, discipline, setbacks, and perseverance,” she says. “Watching a parent pursue a hobby provides opportunities to observe persistence, emotional regulation, problem-solving, and enjoyment.”
But those benefits are secondary to the impacts hobbies have on the women pursuing them. “I think we’ve become so accustomed to framing everything mothers do in terms of how it benefits their children,” Snyder says. “Women are entitled to happiness and fulfillment for their own sake.”
It’s simply an added bonus that when mom is happy for mom’s sake, the benefits for her kids naturally follow, according to multiple studies linking a mother’s well-being with her child’s. Plus, kids also learn that all stages of adulthood, including those under the umbrella of parenting, can include personal fulfillment, curiosity, and growth.
How to start a hobby
The best way to start a hobby is to let yourself reconnect with something you already love. I remembered how much joy I got out of competing in swim meets in high school, and I was eager to recreate that glee. Ask yourself, “What did I love when I was a kid or a young adult?”
Your hobby doesn’t have to involve intense commitment. “Reading, gardening, dancing, listening to music, or simply spending time alone can be just as meaningful as running a marathon,” Snyder says.
Search online for local groups involved in the activity you want to pursue. Your local library may have resources to help you get started as well.
When you’re ready to commit, set realistic goals. Start by focusing on your hobby consistently for just 10-15 minutes per day. Showing up is the main goal.
“Motherhood should expand a woman’s identity, not erase it,” Snyder advises. Which hobby will help expand yours?
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