Why waiting to find out your baby’s sex can be (surprise!) awesome

I completely understand why all my friends chose to find out their baby’s sex via sonogram, before birth. The sonographer thought I was joking when I told her that I didn’t want to know. “Really? You’re the first person in months to not want to know,” she said. But it wasn’t that I didn’t want to know. I wondered every day. Rather, I was choosing not to know.

As she administered what would be my final prenatal sonogram (for that pregnancy), this quizzical woman repeated what the sonographers before her had said: “I’m glad you’re waiting. That’s what we all did when I was young, before you could find out. There is no surprise more worth the wait.”

To each her own, I say.

A dear friend was so playfully annoyed that I was waiting to learn the news that she asked if she could come along and have the doctor write it on a slip of paper, so she could start shopping for clothes. I laughed and refused. When this same friend became pregnant a year later, she found out as soon as she could. And halfway through her pregnancy, I celebrated the revelation of her child’s sex with her. By the time the baby came, she had picked a name and had the nursery ready to go.

I delight in planning, in being super-prepared. So why, then, would I choose not to know my baby’s sex as quickly as possible?

I can think of plenty of good reasons to find out right away, and friends and strangers alike always ask, “What are you having?” But I think there just might be others out there who would enjoy hearing the story of an expectant mother who waited to find out and would do it again.

Reason #1: The loss of control

You know the very thing I said I revel in? I willingly gave it up. I drove myself crazy… but it was a good crazy. I knew that being a mom would mean a constant loss of control. Why not practice?

After spending nine months totally in the dark about an incredible secret I could have found out, it was like I had endured Control Loss Boot Camp. Not finding out my baby’s sex was a way to train myself as a new mom to not freak out on those days when it felt like everything was outside my control.

Reason #2: Loving acceptance

Have you noticed that everyone has an opinion on which gender would be better for you to have?

“Ooh, it’s probably a girl because you’re so girly. I just think you’d take to a girl easier.” Uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know the amount of leather or lace I wore affected gender outcome.

“I hope you have a boy. Your husband must want a son more than anything.” Did I hear you correctly?

“Hope it’s not a girl. They can be so difficult. A girl will give you a hard time, especially when she begins menstruating.” Did you really just say that? The child hasn’t taken his or her first breath yet.

When you’re pregnant, everyone assumes you have a preference. The fact is, I didn’t care what I had. I just prayed my baby would be healthy.

But what if you do have a preference, and then find out you are having the opposite? That happened to one of my friends. She spent months worrying that she would not bond with her daughter because she so desperately wanted a son. When she met the baby, she fell in love. Why not avoid the worrying altogether?

First and foremost, your baby is a person, with a unique and beautiful soul. Want to prove that to the world? Wait to find out. Then people will be meeting Baby James with the sparkling eyes and incredible laugh or Baby Alice with the tuft of curls and voracious appetite, and not simply “the boy” or “the girl.”

Reason #3: To avoid disappointment & keep unfair pressures off an unborn baby

Some cultures still prize the perceived superiority of sons, and there might be someone in your family, whether or not they admit it to you, who will be disappointed to learn you’re having a girl. (There may also be those who are disappointed you’re having a boy.) Sure, they may eventually get over it. But why not spare your child being anything but happily anticipated?

Not finding out your baby’s sex is a statement, an act of defiance against the temptation (whether yours or someone else’s) to “root” for one sex or have preconceived notions about your child’s personality. It can also be a way to protect an unborn baby from people’s opinions before they are even out of the womb. There will be plenty of time for facing those later.

Reason #4: You’ll drive some people bananas (and it’s fun, right)?

When you might otherwise hear a lecture on what it’s like to raise a boy or a girl, complete with “advice,” you’ll instead hear, “You seriously don’t want to know? That makes me crazy and it’s not even my baby.” “It’s out of my hands,” you answer, “whatever happens will happen.” And you reach for more Mexican food. The guacamole tastes even better than usual.

Reason #5: What if the sonographer was wrong?

Think that can’t happen? I know someone who thought she was having a girl. But I guess something special was hiding off-camera, because lo and behold, she delivered a baby boy last year and brought him home to his pink Disney Princess bedroom.

Sure, it’s rare. But can you imagine if they made a mistake? You might feel you were mourning a lost baby you never really had.

Reason #6: Connection to our foremothers & our faith

For almost every generation before ours, women discovered the sex of their babies after delivery. These births had an air of mystery and magic. Loved ones paced outside, awaiting the exciting news, instead of reading about it on Facebook in advance.

Although almost everything about labor and delivery has improved since those previous generations, I like this connection to the sacred mystery of births that came before. Whatever your religion, not finding out your baby’s gender is an act of faith, supreme trust that all will be well and that ultimately you will have what you are meant to have.

Reason #7: Giddy anticipation

Remember the feeling of being a kid who couldn’t wait to open your Christmas/birthday/holiday present and find out what treasure awaited you? The anticipation is like that, times 100.

My aunt told me, “Not knowing helps you push, because you’re so excited to find out.” And she was right. When my baby was born and I found out, I cried tears of pure joy and amazement. Turns out, it really is the best surprise of your life.

Reason #8: A baby is never the way you would expect, anyway

Knowing your baby’s sex might make you think you know what to expect when they’re born. Wrong!

Any mom knows that she never could have imagined the perfect and wild uniqueness that is her baby. Waiting to find out allows you to fall in love with a new baby, rather than the preview report of a gender, which often carries with it stereotypes that your child might transcend.

For example, you might have a rambunctious baby girl who is always getting scrapes or a cautious baby boy who would rather sit on the sidelines with a board book. We’re having people, not pink and blue drones.

Reason #9: It bucks the trend

The big trend these days is finding out. It’s so easy—there are sonograms, blood tests and even over-the-counter kits.

If you decide to find out, I totally get it. I almost caved several times, and that would have brought its own excitement, and maybe a gender reveal party. Or there might be a reason for finding out makes the most sense for you.

But if you decide to hang in there, I’m right there with you. And we’re not alone. If you want to find us, we’re the ones with the two names picked out, the frustrated friends waiting with intense curiosity, the ones crying euphoric tears of surprise in the hospital.

Oh, and what did I end up having? Exactly what our family needed… the most beautiful baby my husband and I could have imagined, inside and out.

Reason #10: Ultrasounds aren’t always right

Have you ever thought about the surprise factor in life? We’re living in an age where surprises are scarce. But here’s one for you: ultrasounds aren’t always accurate. Imagine setting up a whole nursery, picking a name, and dreaming of your little one, only to find out the predictions were off. It happens more often than you’d think.

This isn’t just about a room painted in the wrong color. It’s about expectations. It’s about the stories we start writing about our future children. But life, as it reminds us, can’t always be planned down to the last detail.

Choosing not to find out the baby’s sex isn’t about dodging joy or preparations. It’s about embracing life’s inherent unpredictability. It’s a nod to the universe saying, “Surprise me.” It’s about meeting your child without preconceived notions, without a script, allowing their story to unfold naturally.

In a world where we can know almost everything with a click, there’s something beautifully rebellious in not knowing. It’s one of the few true surprises left — a rare gift in our over-informed lives.

So why not embrace that element of surprise? After all, when your little one arrives, the love you feel will know no bounds. Boy or girl, they will be your perfect surprise, the best you’ve ever had.

Reason #11: Breaking Away from Gender Stereotyping

Society has, for a long time, boxed children into gender stereotypes. From pink frilly clothes for girls to construction-themed outfits for boys, these stereotypes begin even before a child is born. Once your circle finds out you’re expecting a boy or a girl, the gifts – often adhering to gender norms – start pouring in. You might end up with a wardrobe full of pink even before your baby girl arrives.

By choosing not to reveal your baby’s sex, you can begin with a gender-neutral approach right from the start. Plus, the moment people know you’re keeping it a surprise, they start guessing based on old (and somewhat fun) superstitions – like sweet cravings for a girl or salty for a boy. Regardless of their accuracy, these speculations keep things lively and interesting.

Reason #12: Staying Stylish during Pregnancy

Pregnancy shouldn’t stop you from looking fashionable. If you’re seeking something special for upcoming events, consider trying out Rent the Runway. Known for their designer wear, they now offer outfits and accessories for every stage of pregnancy. Instead of buying something you probably won’t wear again, you could rent a stunning outfit for a few days. Their service ranges from chic workwear to designer maternity jeans, ensuring you feel stylish throughout your pregnancy.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it worth not finding out the baby’s gender?

Deciding not to find out the baby’s gender can enhance the surprise element of the birth. It’s a personal choice that depends on individual or family preferences.

Is it possible to not know the baby’s gender?

Yes, it’s possible not to know the baby’s gender until birth. You can choose not to learn the gender during ultrasound scans.

Does gender disappointment ever go away?

Yes, gender disappointment usually fades after the baby is born. Many parents find that the initial disappointment is replaced with love and joy once they meet their baby.

What percentage of parents find out the baby’s gender?

Approximately 60-70% of expectant parents in the United States choose to find out their baby’s gender before birth.

How long does it take to get over gender disappointment?

The time varies. Some parents feel better within days or weeks, while others may take longer. Talking about feelings can help.

How can I increase my chances of having a girl?

There are many myths but no scientific methods guarantee a girl. Choices like timing intercourse or specific diets lack conclusive evidence.

What makes you more likely to have a boy than a girl?

There’s no proven way to ensure a boy. Baby’s gender is determined by the sperm carrying either an X or Y chromosome, which is random.

Is it more rare to have a girl?

No, the birth ratio worldwide is approximately 105 boys for every 100 girls, which means having a girl is not more rare.

What affects the chances of having a girl?

The chances of having a girl are generally close to 50%. There’s no reliable way to influence this, as sperm chromosomes determine it.

A version of this story was originally published on October 10, 2018. It has been updated.