The preschool graduation speech I wish I could give

I still have had a hard time believing preschools have graduations.

Is it really that big of an accomplishment to warrant diplomas? In the event I am offered an honorary degree and asked to present an address for preschoolers on their graduation this is what I would say.

Dear Preschool Graduates,

Congratulations on this most momentous day of your lives. I am sure when you consider the most important milestones of your life commencement from an educational establishment offering early childhood education to children between the ages of three and five will be among the highlights. The silk graduation robes and caps for children who have yet to learn how to tie their shoes make absolute sense.

You Are Our Future

I believe it was Whitney Houston that once said in an MTV video, “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.”

I have a hard time remembering what I was like at your age. Half the time I can’t remember what I did yesterday. But I can tell you that the stuff you have learned in the last two years will serve you well when you kids move onto kindergarten. But here are some quick tips that I would like you to note as you embark on your next adventure.

Graduation Tips

I stand by what your teacher told you. If you are going to run around outside you’ve got to wear closed toe shoes.

You need to learn how to count to 30. It will be valuable when you need to pay back your parents for all the iPads apps you added without their permission.

You need to learn how to read and write and understand math. It would also be helpful if you could fix wireless routers, program televisions, and backup iPhones.

When someone asks you what you want to do for a living try to mix it up. Maybe instead of saying a fire fighter or a doctor tell them a Managing Director of a financial services firm or the Creative Director of an Advertising Agency focused on middle market companies.

Live within your means. Don’t spend all your goldfish on a motorized car that needs to be charged by a battery and only plays two songs.

Understand that when your parents decided to put you in transitional kindergarten it was because they thought you would have a better shot at playing a professional sport. So, no, you can’t quit soccer. Ever.

You want to have a competitive edge? Color inside the lines and learn mandarin Chinese.

It’s good to be different than everyone else, especially if you can figure out a way to get your own show on the Nickelodeon Channel. Go For It

It’s that easy, kids. Just wear age appropriate clothing, figure out how to do computer coding, keep your Instagram private, and stay lay off gluten, genetically modified food, and anything that has been covered in pesticides.

The world is yours.

Congrats!