What to say when your friend has a miscarriage
"Remember you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself."
Miscarriage is incredibly common. Among women who know they are pregnant, 10% to 25% will have a miscarriage. But just because it’s common, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to know how to cope when you or a friend experience one. Just as with any loss, there are stages of grief after miscarriages, too.
We talked to Dr. Jessica Zucker, a clinical psychologist specializing in women’s reproductive and maternal mental health, author of the book “I Had a Miscarriage,” about what to say to someone who had a miscarriage. Dr. Zucker, who herself experienced a life-changing miscarriage at 16 weeks pregnant, wants to make it easier for women who miscarry or experience pregnancy loss and their support networks to cope with this intense experience and to find the right words of comfort for a miscarriage.
Related: How to support someone who had a miscarriage
What to say to someone who had a miscarriage: 5 phrases to offer comfort
1. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here for you.”
“If we keep it simple, I think we convey a greater sense of empathy. We leave more room for authentic connection than if we force our own feelings or beliefs on a friend,” Dr. Zucker says.
2. “Remember you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself.”
Dr. Zucker reminds us that “Women want to hear basic, simple, loving words.” Miscarriage can be such a lonely experience to go through, so reminding them that you are there with them can be incredibly helpful.
Related: 20 miscarriage quotes to help in your healing journey
3. “I’m thinking of you.”
“I send texts to loved ones who have recently experienced pregnancy loss that say, ‘You’ve been in my thoughts—how are you feeling?'” Dr. Zucker told us. “Basic sentiments that convey my care and concern for their well-being” go a long way toward making them feel loved.
“When we just keep it simple, we convey a greater sense of empathy and we leave way more room for true connection.”
4. “I love you so much and I imagine you feel [awful] right now, but I just had to remind you of how wonderful I think you are.”
Dr. Zucker said, “These messages can provide a life raft. By allowing someone to be where they are—to be in the dark place for a bit, that to me verifies the depth of the friendship—being willing to journey with your friend through it all.”
5. “Grief knows no timeline. Take all the time you need. I want you to know that if you’d like to talk about your loss, anytime, I’m here. I’m here always.”
As the months move on, it might be important to check in with your friend to see how she’s doing. “It’s not about digging or prodding, but instead it’s about relaying genuine and consistent loving support,” Dr. Zucker told us.
And that’s just a start.
If you’re still struggling to find the right words, you want to try to examine your own motivations before you speak, Zucker suggests asking yourself the following: ‘What might I want in this situation?’
“The research states that women tend to blame themselves after pregnancy loss, experiencing feelings of guilt and shame. If we assume women are feeling these unfortunate emotions after a loss, then by reminding people how much we love them, we can help to anchor them during this difficult time in their lives.”
And just as important as saying the “right things” at this time is avoiding words that perhaps are well-intended, but can be hurtful in the midst of loss.
5 things not to say to someone who had a miscarriage:
1. “Look on the bright side.”
When people are grieving, it’s important and ultimately healing to allow them to stay in their grief. Avoid rushing them through the process to happier times ahead, and instead offer to be with them, right where they are.
2. “You must be devastated.”
Dr. Zucker says, “When you want to say ‘you must be devastated,’ in a way you are projecting what you think other people might feel. Instead, listen to where they are and inquire about how [they are] doing.”
3. “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“Your friend wanted this baby and is mourning this baby, reminds Dr. Zucker. “This statement is often just hurtful. [It] is also short-sighted because we don’t know that she can necessarily get pregnant again. It’s important to stick with feelings rather than predicting her reproductive future.”
4. “I guess it wasn’t meant to be/This is God’s plan/Everything happens for a reason.”
According to Dr. Zucker, “These are some of the frequently-stated platitudes that sting rather than support. They don’t accurately address feelings, but rather minimize the complex experience of pregnancy loss.”
We cannot assume what one’s spiritual feelings about a loss are, so it’s best not to make assumptions.
5. “You look amazing—you look like you were never pregnant!”
After pregnancy loss, stay away from complimenting her body, Dr. Zucker urges. “Your friend might think: ‘I wish I were pregnant right now so telling me I don’t look pregnant doesn’t feel good and reminds me I’m no longer pregnant.”
Related: When it comes to miscarriages, it’s time to stop telling women to ‘just try again’
How to support a friend through miscarriage
Every woman who goes through pregnancy loss has her own unique experience. Dr. Zucker explains: “One’s grieving process might invoke her family history, previous experience of loss, as well as social support and coping skills.”
But there are some words that are generally more helpful than others—and there are some words that can unintentionally cause pain even though you might mean well.
Your best bet is to approach your friend with genuine empathy, trying to understand her needs in that moment and letting her know that you’re there for her. And you would do well to remember that she may need support—perhaps even more—as the months go on.
And if you find yourself for some reason unable to say anything to a friend—you can always text, email or print and mail one of these beautiful prints honoring miscarriage and pregnancy loss, available for download free of charge. Sending one can help convey what words cannot.
Navigating the complexities of supporting someone who has had a miscarriage requires a delicate balance of empathy and understanding. Knowing what to say and what not to say can make a world of difference in providing comfort during such a challenging time. Here are some insights from Dr. Jessica Zucker, a clinical psychologist specializing in women’s reproductive and maternal mental health, on words of comfort for miscarriage:
Words of Comfort for Miscarriage:
- Simple expressions of sympathy: Keep your message straightforward and heartfelt. Expressing your condolences and letting the person know you’re there for them can provide much-needed comfort.
- Acknowledgment of their feelings: Recognize the pain and loneliness that often accompany miscarriage. Remind them that they’re not alone and encourage them to be gentle with themselves during this difficult time.
- Thoughtful gestures of support: Offer practical assistance, such as running errands or preparing meals, to alleviate some of the burdens they may be facing. Small acts of kindness can go a long way in showing your support.
- Validation of their grief: Let the person know that it’s okay to grieve and that there’s no timeline for healing. Encourage them to take all the time they need and reassure them that you’re there to listen whenever they’re ready to talk.
- Avoidance of hurtful remarks: Steer clear of well-intended but potentially hurtful comments, such as minimizing the loss or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, focus on providing comfort and understanding without judgment.
By offering words of comfort and support, you can help create a safe space for someone who has experienced a miscarriage to navigate their grief and begin the healing process.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: What should I say to someone who has had a miscarriage to offer comfort? A: Providing comfort to someone who has experienced a miscarriage involves offering heartfelt expressions of sympathy, acknowledging their feelings, and letting them know that you’re there for them. Avoiding hurtful remarks and instead focusing on validation and support can help ease their pain during this challenging time.
Q: How can I support a friend or loved one who has had a miscarriage? A: Supporting a friend or loved one through miscarriage requires empathy, understanding, and patience. Offer practical assistance, such as running errands or preparing meals, and provide emotional support by being a compassionate listener. Avoid making assumptions or offering unsolicited advice, and instead, let them know that you’re there to support them in whatever way they need.
Q: What are some words of comfort I can offer to someone who has miscarried? A: Simple expressions of sympathy, acknowledgment of their grief, and reassurance that they’re not alone can provide comfort to someone who has miscarried. Encouraging them to be gentle with themselves and validating their feelings can help them navigate their grief and begin the healing process.
Q: What should I avoid saying to someone who has had a miscarriage? A: It’s important to avoid making hurtful remarks or offering platitudes that minimize the person’s grief. Avoid phrases like “At least you can get pregnant” or “Everything happens for a reason,” as these can be insensitive and dismissive of the person’s pain. Instead, focus on providing empathy, understanding, and support.
This article was originally published on January 27, 2020. It has been updated.
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