Let’s talk about weaponized incompetence and why it’s all over TikTok

To truly get to the heart of the toxicity of weaponized incompetence, you first must ask yourself whether the person perpetuating the incompetence is truly incompetent. Because if they are competent and capable of doing something that needs to be done (chores, parenting, etc.), and they aren’t doing it, well—they’re unwilling.

And there’s a huge difference between those two things.

Related: What dads do isn’t ‘help’—let’s stop calling it that

Thanks to TikTok, this very common issue has a name. And that name is “weaponized incompetence.” Because it means someone is pretending to be incapable of doing something for no other reason than manipulation so that task falls to someone else. YOU.

TikTokker @thisfamilytree has a perfect visual demonstration if you’re still not totally clear on the term.

Picture this scene. You and your partner are both home, and it’s bath time for your baby. You try to take turns when it comes to bathing the baby, so one person isn’t stuck doing it every single night. You ask your partner to bathe her, and he reluctantly agrees. The onesie undressing has barely begun when the baby starts to cry.

“See? She wants you. She doesn’t want me. You’re so much better at this,” he pleads. You give in, because you convince yourself it’s easier to do that than it is to listen to your baby cry through bath time or watch your partner become frustrated.

Related: A dad is not a babysitter or a helper. He’s a parent.

That? Yeah, that’s weaponized incompetence. Because you aren’t better at bathing just because you’re the mom. Anyone can bathe a baby lovingly and properly. Your partner is capable, but he just doesn’t want to do it. So he convinces you that you’re the one the baby wants and needs—not him.

And thus, a toxic dynamic is born. Where the bulk of parenting labor and housework labor falls on you. While this type of dynamic can occur in any kind of relationship—parent/child, sibling, roomates, coworkers, etc.—it’s prevalent in cisgender, heterosexual relationships. Especially when children are involved.

Basically, it’s another way the patriarchy ensures mothers are burned out. Because when men do their part in the household, it’s not “helping.” It’s them doing what they need to do and should be doing to be an equal partner and parent.

6 weaponized incompetence examples

According to Choosing Therapy, these are some major signs that weaponized incompetence is occuring in your relationship.

1. They perform simple tasks badly.
2. You take on all or most of the work.
3. You feel alone.
4. You feel manipulated or taken advantage of.
5. You don’t trust them to do these tasks.
6. You’re burned out.

“This is something that women have been dealing with all their lives,” Nadine Shaanta Murshid PhD, associate professor of social work at the University of Buffalo, tells TheSkimm. “The idea is that men are not good at certain things like domestic labor. And so, why not have women who are good at it, do it, because they’re naturally predisposed to being good at this?”

How to end weaponized incompetence manipulation

Setting boundaries seems to be the key, according to sex therapist Vanessa Marin. That starts with not giving in or tolerating it anymore.

“Here’s what not to do: Don’t say ‘fine, I’ll just do it myself,'” she advises. “It’s a one-way ticket to feeling resentful.”

Marin suggests making a list of all of your responsibilities and chores, and determine a way to divide them up equally. You also have to hold one another accountable, and make sure no one is unclear on what is expected of them (and that you’re both capable of doing the tasks at hand).

Related: Why equal parenting is still a myth 

Communication is key. You should both be able to hear one another out and try to see things from each other’s perspective. But remember—personal responsibility is the only way your partner will be able to take accountability for the harm they’re causing, even if it’s not intentional.

Creating this kind of actionable plan can help create change. Therapy is also a beneficial option if you and your partner can’t come to a solution that works for both of you, especially one that doesn’t ease the burden or mental load off your shoulders, mama.