Not going anywhere on Christmas Day is the best gift I ever gave myself as a mom

One of the best lessons I’ve learned in adulthood and parenthood: making other people happy while making myself miserable is not the vibe. There’s a huge difference between being selfless and self-sacrificing, and I refuse to be a Christmas Day martyr.

Bottom line: if you want to see my nuclear family on Christmas Day, you better be coming to us. Because I’m definitely not coming to you. Sorry not sorry.

If you love going from house to house during the holidays so you can see every single member of your extended family, I’m not knocking you for it. To each their own! For me, by the time Christmas Day rolls around and my kids have opened up their presents from Santa and we’ve inhaled a giant breakfast, all I want to do is stay home. On the couch. Snuggling and watching Christmas movies, preferably. Because all of the chaos and stress and exhaustion of holiday preparation has come to an end, and I like to reward myself by not leaving my house for once.

Related: Find grace in the chaos of Christmas, mama

And you know what? My kids and my husband are OK with it, too. Because what little kid likes leaving all of their brand-new treasures behind to go shmooze at homes that don’t have their brand-new treasures? Absolutely none, that’s what.

If your family doesn’t feel guilty about not visiting you, why should you feel guilty for not visiting them?

Out of the seven Christmas seasons I’ve been a mom, I’ve stayed home for four of them. And those four Christmases are some of my absolute favorites, period. No planning car rides and Christmas meals around nap time for an over-tired, over-stimulated toddler. No pretending like it’s not an enormous inconvenience to have to visit other people who don’t have little kids. No psyching myself up to get showered, dressed and make myself presentable when all I really want to do is stay in my Christmas jammies all day while snacking on leftovers after a high-energy, early morning and cleaning up the post-present chaos.

If you feel guilty about setting up a similar situation for yourself, I’m here to tell you one thing: DON’T. If your family doesn’t feel guilty about not visiting you, why should you feel guilty for not visiting them? Especially if you, like many people—including myself—live near your family. I know it’s the holidays, but I see my family all the time. Not seeing them on December 25th does not cancel out all the times I gladly and willingly see them throughout the year.

I recently had a conversation with my dad about this very topic. He commended me for having the courage to put my foot down about it. Now, many decades removed from his own Christmas insanity, his exact words were this: “I hated doing it. Absolutely hated it. People-pleasing everyone else while making myself miserable is something I truly regret, especially when I just wanted to be home with you guys.”

We’ll spend all of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together, and reunite Christmas evening. And we’re fine with all of it.

Making your Christmas look exactly how you want it to look—for you and your family, no matter what you do—is the best gift you can give yourself, mama. And anyone who doesn’t understand that is committed to not understanding it, so spend your energy wisely. You deserve to.

A version of this story was originally published on Dec. 14, 2022. It has been updated.