To my only child: Thank you for your patience as I learn how to be a mother

To my firstborn and my only child (for right now) it has been a journey. A beautiful, emotional and awe-filled path that we have embarked on together thus far. And as we continue down these roads, I want to say thank you. 

Thank you for your patience and your sacrifice as I learn how to be a mother—your mother. Because in becoming a mother, I am something and someone who I have never been before. And because of that, you often get the best—and sometimes even the worst—of this version of me. This woman who I have never been, but am slowly growing to learn, know and love.

Learning how to be a mother has had its ups and downs. I would like to say that I have faced every challenge with courage and determination, but the truth is that some days, I have buckled in defeat from the weight of motherhood. Because it is a complex and intricate task—one that I do not take lightly and one that I do not take for granted. 

Related: Dear firstborn—thanks for showing me the way

Every day, I am striving to give you the world. I am trying to help you reach every milestone, give you a memorable childhood and shape you into a well-mannered, strong-willed individual. I am trying to fill your life with love, joy and resilience.

But even as much as I try, there are times when I feel like a failure, times when I am simply unsure if I am everything that you need me to be. 

Sometimes I have no idea what I am doing. I just wait to see what the current brings, and I ebb and flow—hoping that I am treading these waters with grace.

Because through these “firsts” for both of us, you have shown me a patience that calms the storms.

But on those days when I am unsure, you somehow remind me: one step at a time.

One step at a time, as I learn to be a mother—your mother.

One step at a time, as I go through trial and error.

One step at a time, as I make some mistakes.

One step at a time, as I learn and unlearn.

One step at a time, as we travel these roads—together.

Related: To my only child as we live through this pandemic

Through these steps, we both have grown and continue to grow. Seeing you learn new things and develop a personality of your own has been my greatest joy. And in some small yet comforting way, it assures me that maybe, just maybe, I am doing the best that I can after all.

So to my firstborn and my only child, for now, thank you. Because through these “firsts” for both of us, you have shown me a patience that calms the storms. You have shown me understanding—and you don’t even know it yet.

Related: Why being a first-time mom is so hard

Each and every day, I am greeted with your big, wide grin, and I am reminded that though this work is sometimes hard and trying, all you see is a mother who loves you with every fiber of her being. And you accept me for who I am right now, just as I am certain that you will accept me for who I grow to become over these years.

There may come a time when you have to make room for another (or a few more) siblings. And by then, it may look like I have it all figured out. But I would owe it all to you. Because you are my blueprint for becoming a mother. You have taught me as much as I have taught you.

You will always be my firstborn. My genesis. My beginning.

And we will continue on—one step at a time.

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