Helping my young teen cope with middle school

It seems like back-to-school events start just as summer break begins, according to my 13-year-old. Lily hates middle school, and is frustrated that everything seems to revolve around it. She does like parts of school: band, options classes and school trips are great. The social dynamic of middle school however, has her wishing to quit. As she heads into her 8th grade year, I have found some ways to help her cope with her ever-shifting world.

The first thing I do is listen to her talk about school. I have learned to ask leading questions that require more than a yes or no response. I ask her who she worked on projects with or if they had gym class outside again. This has allowed me to create a mental picture of what her social landscape is like. Listening to her is one of the most important things I can do. I can’t change the middle school landscape, but I can offer to go inside and casually trip the kids who bother her. We both know I’d never really do it, but it gets a laugh.

Sometimes listening isn’t enough, and Lily needs more from me. One day, when she was in 1st grade and I was walking her to school, she sat down on the sidewalk and cried. Overwhelmed with the thought of spending the whole day at school again, she could think of nothing else to do but cry. We turned around and walked back home. She won’t win the “perfect attendance” award, but she will learn to prioritize and protect her mental health. I have continued this tradition through her school years. When she starts to feel overwhelmed and can’t face another day at school, I give her a “skip school day.” We spend some time at bookstores and go out for lunch. It’s restorative for me, too. I book myself off work, and we just enjoy engaging in leisure activities.

Our skip days are planned in advance so she doesn’t miss special events and I can plan to be away from work, but sometimes that feeling of being overwhelmed can sneak up on her. I have promised her that if she calls, texts, or emails me from school and wants to be picked up, I will come and get her. Even if I can’t take her home and she has to hang out at work with me, I will help her escape the situation. She doesn’t need to have a good reason. I know that sometimes you just feel off and it isn’t always possible to put the reasons behind the feelings into words. If Lily can’t articulate why she needs to leave school but knows she needs out of there, I’m going to pick her up. The world is not a safe place for an adolescent girl, and she needs me to be her soft landing and her lifeline. There might be benefits to simply powering through when you don’t feel good, but I am not actually convinced that I want this for her.

She doesn’t know who her teachers will be yet, or which friends are in her class, but I want my daughter to have the strength to protect her own mental health. This is how I choose to give it to her. I want her to have control over her body and her mind. It takes a certain amount of strength to recognize and remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation. Many women who have been taught to smile and endure can’t do this. We’re changing the narrative by taking time to understand and know ourselves. Lily won’t just stand there and take your foolishness. She’s going to leave if she doesn’t want to be there. By always taking her call, I’m giving her the escape she may need, because there is a unique terror in being a teenage girl in this world. I remember being uncomfortable at friends’ houses and not being sure how to get myself out of there. While I know I can’t control Lily’s world, I can make myself a trustworthy person who will always come to her aid.

This doesn’t mean that I drop everything for any little whim, but that I listen and believe her when she says she wants to leave. School can feel oppressive. Some friends have weird older brothers. I believe this is what she needs me to be, especially as she enters these tumultuous teen years. If we build a foundation that tells her I will always come and get her if she wants to leave somewhere, she will know she can depend on me, her mom, to get her out.