10 expert-approved tips for having a great sex life after kids

No matter what phase of motherhood you’re in, it is possible to have a great sex life after kids. Sure, it might take a little more work than before babies entered the picture but our expert-approved tips can help you navigate your desires inside (and out of!) the bedroom. 

For some couples, all they need to get over the edge might be breaking out of their routine, whether that’s trying out new sex toys, experimenting with CBD for sex or something else on their most intimate of bucket lists. 

But for others, rekindling the fire might include rebuilding the foundation, especially during or after major life changes, like pregnancy, the arrival of a new baby or even the lasting effects of pandemic-related shifts in your relationship (co-working and co-parenting for years is very real!) Here’s everything you need to know about how to have sex after kids.

How to have a great sex life after kids

1. Create rituals that foster physical connection

Between kids and jobs and handling everything that goes into family life, some couples find that their relationship is more co-manager than romantic partnership. One small way to improve your sex life after kids is to add elements of physical touch or emotional closeness throughout the day.

Nancy Landrum, MA, author and relationship coach, suggests “coming and going” rituals. 

“[These] rituals need to be intentional and make physical contact. This is where just a few seconds makes a huge difference in intimacy. Instead of hollering across the room, ‘Bye! Have a great day. Love you!’ Take a few extra seconds to go to your partner to give a hug, a kiss, a squeeze, a soft whisper, a little flirting, eye contact. When your partner comes home, hug, and say something about how you feel.”

Related: Moms are having less sex. But why?

Each couple has to find a ritual that works for them (foot rubs during your favorite show?), but the idea is to routinely be connected beyond the business of being life partners.

“Take the pressure off sex and focus on other kinds of physical connection: cuddling, holding hands, kissing and affectionate touch are all amazing things in and of themselves,” agrees Tara Chandra and Susan Allen, CEOs of the period care and sexual wellness brand Here We Flo. “This also helps bridge a physical intimacy gap that can crop up in the chaos of work and family.”

2. Spend time alone together

Lots of experts suggest weekly dates are key for marriages post-kids. So while we know it’s not realistic to book a babysitter every Saturday night, the point is taken. 

At-home dates, like crafting a cocktail together after the kids go to bed or playing a favorite game, allow for moments where you interact as people, not parents. 

In addition to regular dates, Landrum suggests couples aim for daily alone time, too, “even if only for a half hour.” This could be in the bedroom or it could be a kid-free, phone-free time where you hash out what’s come up throughout the day.

3. Communicate openly and often

Talking might not be considered the sexiest form of foreplay, but communication topped many of our experts’ lists of ways to stay on the same page as a couple. “Great sex is sustained by communication and conflict management skills, where conflict is resolved quickly and easily, so that resentment doesn’t kill intimacy,” Landrum says.

That might mean explaining that you’re still recovering from birth (even if your doctor has given you the OK) or opening up that you’re struggling with your post-baby body. It might mean saying that intercourse isn’t an option but that [whatever you actually want] is. 

Related: Sex after kids: You’ll have less, then more, then less—it’s all normal

If your sex life has taken a backseat for longer than feels comfortable, it might be time for a deeper conversation. 

“Approach the topic with an open mind and a non-judgemental attitude,” says Joni Ogle, LCSW, CSAT and the CEO of The Heights Treatment. “Begin by saying things like ‘I’d love to talk about how we can bring more passion into our relationship.’” 

Or you could try something like, “‘I miss feeling close to you, what can we do to reconnect?,’” she says. “By approaching the topic in this way, you’re creating a safe space for both of you to talk about what’s important.” 

4. Share your sex number 

This isn’t what you think. In her episode on the Motherly podcast, sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, CST, discusses the concept of a “sex number,” which is how frequently you and your partner each want to have sex. Then “find what works for your relationship,” she explains.

“Because one thing that happens is couples think that if somebody wants it less, that person is less interested,” Howard says. “Like, oh, you don’t like me. You don’t find me desirable.” But it might just be that they have a different libido and it’s not about the partner at all.

5. Remember that relationships change

How you view great sex after kids might change over time, so try not to compare your past stats with your current numbers. Or with how often you think you and your partner should be getting it on.

“… The most important thing for couples to remember is that it’s perfectly normal and natural for their relationship to go through changes after having children,” says Kalley Hartman, LMFT and the clinical director at Ocean Recovery in Newport Beach, California. 

The 2023 State of Motherhood survey revealed that even though 62% of moms would like to have sex once or twice a week, 60% are having sex twice a month or less.

6. Focus on you

In the melee of family life, it can be easy for mothers to lose sight of themselves—their interests, hobbies and the self-care routines that make them smile. By revisiting those essential elements of yourself allows you to show up to everything else you do refreshed, including your sex life after kids.

“Making sure you’re taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally is essential to having a fulfilling sex life,” says Hartman.

Related: Mama, your time is precious too

“Taking time for yourself, whether it be through relaxation activities or simply carving out some alone time, can help you feel relaxed and more open to connecting with your partner on an intimate level,” she says.”

Let’s not forget the power of friend dates, too. They’re all about the fun and can be less expensive than a couple date, as you might not need to hire a babysitter.

7. Put pleasure on your shared calendar 

Scheduling sex might seem like it’s adding another item to your to-do list, literally (sorry). But many experts say it’s one way to keep your connection a priority and have a great sex life after kids. 

“When you have a plan to connect physically and emotionally with your partner, you get to enjoy all of the juicy anticipation leading up to it,” says Allison Anderson, MD and certified life and relationship coach. “More than half the fun of planning a vacation is imagining how amazing it will be; same goes for sex. By scheduling time to reconnect, you take away the stress of trying to be spontaneous when you’re already juggling a lot. You have something to look forward to.”

If scheduling isn’t your thing, consider building transitions from family and work life to your love life to help you get in the mood. That might mean a spa-inspired shower, breaking out the good underwear or some other solo moment that lights you up. 

8. Create space for alone time 

One roadblock for how to have sex after kids that came up among experts was having little ones in the bedroom. If a family bedroom works for your family, but is encroaching on your sex life after kids, Dr. Anderson suggests considering other spaces (a guest room?) or times of day (after school drop-off?) Bonus: A different arena might conjure up a different atmosphere that adds some spice, too.

9. Try to make sleep a priority 

So many mothers relate to staying up to the wee hours simply to have some alone time. But less sleep often means less sex (sometimes the phrase “I’m too tired” isn’t just an excuse).

“This can be particularly true if one partner is taking on the bulk of childcare responsibilities and/or has a very demanding job,” says Ogle. “It can lead to a decrease in interest in sex and intimate activities, which can further strain the relationship. When one partner is too tired, the other can feel rejected and frustrated.”

In the long run, more sleep can lead to more intimacy. And even if it doesn’t happen right away, extra time in bed (together or alone) sounds delicious. 

10. Seek out support 

Only you can truly know if it’s time to see a professional for help with an issue that’s come up for you as an individual or as a couple. If you’ve recently given birth and are experiencing physical issues with sex after kids, it could be helpful to check in with your OB/GYN or a pelvic floor therapist. 

Or if you and your spouse are really having trouble reconnecting, a marriage counselor, couple’s therapist or sex counselor could help open the lines of communication again. And, who knows, you might be assigned some of the most exciting homework of your life.

A version of this post was published February 21, 2019. It has been updated.