4 things 10 years of marriage has taught me about intimacy

If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering how to connect with your spouse. Isn’t this something we all find ourselves thinking about at times? Something that once felt so easy when you first got married can grow harder the older you get—and especially after you have kids. 

In really challenging and difficult seasons—when sleep and sanity are sparse, when you have babies and toddlers—making space for intimacy and connection can feel like one more thing on your to-do list. 

Related: The first few years of parenting, our marriage felt broken—but it wasn’t

But what I’m learning about intimacy after 10 years of marriage is that it’s more about your everyday life and interactions with each other than an intimate “moment” or rush of romantic feelings. Making dedicated efforts, however small they may seem, can result in long-term satisfaction, contentment, pleasure and happiness with your spouse. 

Here are some of my lessons learned from marriage about connecting emotionally with your spouse, and I share them in hopes that they can help you as well.

4 things to understand about how to connect with your spouse

1. Intimacy isn’t limited to sex

This is one of my biggest lessons learned from marriage after 10 years. Intimacy isn’t meant to be limited to sex or physical acts, and being intentional in cultivating a connection outside the bedroom not only makes your relationship stronger, but it also makes the physical connection that much better.

2. Intimacy looks different in certain seasons

Some seasons can be harder than others. But ultimately, it’s about closeness and connection. Despite marriage myths about losing the magic or growing bored or indifferent, deep forms of intimacy can be cultivated in a myriad of ways. Different seasons of parenting and life can have an impact, but this will ebb and flow throughout your marriage and relationship.

3. There are smalls ways to build emotional intimacy

Through vulnerable conversations or sitting together on the couch together after a long day. Through a combination of connecting to each other in different ways, we can feel the closest and most connected in our relationship.

Building emotional intimacy can look like asking, “How was your day?” even if every day looks the same. Sharing the mundane details with each other—and listening, not just hearing—goes a long way in building emotional intimacy in your marriage. Having my spouse ask about my day and vice versa even when we mostly do the same things each day still means a lot, even after 10 years. One simple question can communicate so much love and care. 

Related: How to reclaim your bedroom so you can reclaim your intimacy 

Emotional intimacy can also look like making time to laugh together at the end of a really hard day. The more chaotic our lives get and the older and more tired we grow, the more hysterical things seem. But laughing about the hard things helps to remind us both that we are on the same team. Find the humor in your life wherever you can.  

Lastly, try building emotional intimacy by sending a short text during the day: “Thinking about you.” “I love you.” “I hope you have a good day.”

Little reminders and efforts go such a long way in increasing an emotional connection and decreasing the resentment that can build throughout long parenting days and weeks. 

4. Satisfaction levels and frequency of physical intimacy will fluctuate

This will happen in your marriage, and especially change as your children grow up. According to Motherly’s 2022 State of Motherhood Survey, children’s ages play a huge part in frequency and satisfaction levels. Mothers of preschool-aged children reported the least amount of sex with the lowest satisfaction, though these results improve as the children grow beyond preschool age. 

This is completely understandable. With preschool-aged children, you’re going through so much: diapers, potty training, teething, sleep regressions, nap time schedule changes, tantrums and all the highs and lows of parenting young children. 

But as I stated above, how you connect with your spouse will look different in certain seasons of parenting. Whatever season you may fall in now, I hope you know you’re not alone. Even amidst the chaos of parenting, I hope you find small of connecting emotionally with your spouse. I hope you find time throughout your day to remind each other, though you are mom and dad, that you are still partners and two individuals who fell in love and choose love every day—and that still matters.

A version of this post was published February 11, 2023. It has been updated.