Want to have more sex after kids? Try these 3 strategies

The majority of moms (62%) want to have more sex after kids—but say they don’t have time for it (53%), the Motherly 2023 State of Motherhood survey found. That can be a frustrating feeling, as finding the time or energy for intimacy can seem next to impossible when you’re raising littles. 

That’s because having sex before kids is decidedly less complicated than having sex after kids. There’s just a lot more to do on a daily basis that cuts into the potential time you could be having sex when you’re a parent. 

Between the seemingly never-ending list of things that need to get done for your kids and the household, feeling touched out, trying to get enough sleep every night while also trying to find a bit of time for self-care for yourself, it’s easy to see how having sex can get deprioritized in favor of more “critical” tasks.

Regardless of your intentions, your sex life will fluctuate throughout a relationship, with those early years after having kids being the toughest time to get “it” in. It’s important to talk to your partner about what you want your sex life to look like to make sure you’re both on the same page, and so that you can help hold each other accountable to your bedroom goals.

If you’re wanting to have more sex after kids but struggling to find the time, here are three strategies that could help you get back into a rhythm with your partner.

3 strategies for fitting in sex when you’re a parent

1. Have sex right after the kids go to bed—rather than waiting until it’s your bedtime

Motherly’s State of Motherhood survey also found that women are prioritizing sleep over sex, but by having sex earlier in the evening, you still get to go to bed on time. The later it is in the evening, the easier it is to say no to sex if you’re stressed about getting enough sleep—or just fully wiped out from the day. By having sex just after kiddo bedtime, you’ll feel connected to your partner and get to put on your pajamas earlier, too, which is a win-win situation. 

You can also set an agreed-upon window for how late you’re willing to have sex at night, so that both of you know at what time you need to initiate intimacy by so that everyone can still get their zzz’s.

2. Commit to the same day each week to be intimate 

It may sound decidedly un-sexy to schedule when you’re going to have sex as a parent. But if everything else in your life has to go on the calendar or it doesn’t happen, then there’s a fair chance that sex may not be happening if it’s not on the calendar, too. And hey, scheduled sex is better than no sex, right?

A friend told me once that she and her husband always made a point of being intimate on Wednesdays and joked that they felt like they had to pay homage to humpday. She said if one of them wasn’t fully in the mood for sex they still made a point to have physical contact—whether that be making out, giving a massage or just spooning and chatting. 

Come up with a fun codeword that you can put on the family calendar so that you and your partner both know what’s coming up. Maybe you have to “flip the pillows”, “organize the sock drawer” or “buy more hot sauce”—and having a shared little secret about what the codeword phrase really means is something the two of you can smile and laugh about together.

3. Have a quick “meeting” if you work from home 

If you and your partner both work from home, take advantage of being in the house without your kids around. It may feel a bit illicit to run off to the bedroom during the workday (which can also make things feel a bit more exciting!), but you can easily take your lunch break to feed your needs and eat at your desk later without feeling guilty.  

Having sex as a parent isn’t always a marathon session—so sometimes even just a quick 15-minute meeting on the calendar may do the trick. You’ll get to build up anticipation and break up the workday, and you’ll lose no more time than if you were to have a coffee break with a colleague in the office. 
The most important thing to remember is that your sex life after kids will change throughout the years. It’s normal to have seasons where it feels impossible to fit in any intimacy, and if sex as a parent just isn’t possible right now, give yourselves grace. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is your sex life after kids.