The dangers of #DivorceGoals

The trend started popping up on my Instagram feed a few years back. It began with pictures of celebrity exes sunbathing together in St. Tropez. Happy co-parents laughed as the paparazzi snapped photos of them at their kid’s soccer game—the reality star who stood as a groomsman in his first wife’s second wedding.

Images curated to showcase a sort of utopian breakup scenario where all parties co-parented in peace. Reels, stories and pictures worth a thousand words, and one common hashtag among them—#DivorceGoals. 

As a single mom in the midst of a pretty acrimonious divorce, I took special notice of these couples being credited with “doing divorce right.” It seemed in such stark contrast with the raw anguish that so often comes with breaking up and my experience inside my own divorce story. These people had somehow managed to move from the partnership to friendship phase of their relationship without losing a step and were getting a ton of praise for it. Meanwhile, I was talking to my ex exclusively through my lawyer and speed-reading every divorce self-help book in print. 

 I get the very natural human instinct to turn painful experiences into teachable moments. Our ever-present need to prove that if we handle a situation in the exact right way that it may not be as painful as everyone says (reference please my unhinged belief that I could avoid an epidural by reciting poetry to myself.) But I am not down with adding an extra layer of guilt and pressure to people already struggling with what is arguably one of the most devastating things to happen in a person’s life. Even in the best-case divorce scenario where each party is financially independent and emotionally healthy, space is needed. 

We need to be honest. Divorce is tricky. Divorce with kids involved is even trickier. Divorce, with kids involved, while trying to maintain a friendly relationship with the person who just took half of your 401k, is David Copperfield taking David Blaine for a piggyback ride on a tightrope over an alligator pit. 

You don’t need to immediately shift into being BFFs with your ex. In most cases, distance and time in the short term can prove a healing salve that better enables you to maintain a steady relationship in the long term. A blended family holiday card in matching pajamas might be the goal for the new issue of US Weekly, but putting on a brave face and smiling during exchanges is honestly enough for now. Because we’re all doing our best when it comes to breaking up, especially if kids are involved. One thing you can do to make things easier on them is to not put them in the middle. It’s also a good idea to not disparage the other parent in front of them—do that with your friends, your therapist or the barista making your latte. 

The thing with #DivorceGoals is that the trend also doesn’t leave room for situations where exes are better off not being friends—the cases where limited interaction and contact are healthier for everyone involved. It sets us up to feel more shame and guilt for failing, not just at being married, but for not being able to meet society’s standards for what comes after. When so much of what happens in a relationship is unseen, it seems dangerous to try and police how people navigate their post-separation and co-parenting relationships. In the United States, nearly 20% of marriages and intimate partnerships will experience physical violence, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Emotional abuse is even more common, with almost half of all women and men experiencing psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. For so many people, it takes an immense amount of courage to leave a bad marriage and even more to draw boundaries and set limits after leaving.  

Of course, it would be great to leave a relationship with nothing but good feelings. Of course, I would love to look people in the eye when they ask about this awful personal crisis and say, “Well, I lost a husband, but you know what? I gained a friend.” I would, of course, never say it that way because I am not a pod person, but you understand the feeling. I want nothing more than to bundle up all the good things, the adventures, the tenderness and all that unbelievably precious spent love. To sling it over my back and carry it forward with me, leaving all the bad stuff behind. But I can’t. And I shouldn’t be expected to, at least not right away. I don’t think we should put the happy filter on when it comes to real situations that cause us real pain. 

It’s important for everyone to know that being a celebrity and having 8.3 million followers on Instagram cannot shield you from the suffering that comes with being human. I do not know what trajectory my co-parenting relationship will take but I do know that for now my only #DivorceGoal is to #SurviveMyDivorce.