Online mom groups aren’t the ‘village’ we need them to be

I like to believe that every online mom group is formed with good intent. After all, their purpose has always been rooted in the universal battle cry of motherhood: “It takes a village!” Facebook mom groups are a fundamental part of that village, right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

For the most part, these groups have been thought of as digital safe havens—private forums for moms to vent about unruly toddlers or seek validation that they are, in fact, good moms. In reality, many of the posts read more like diary entries so revealing, they’d never be admitted during any normal, face-to-face interaction with virtual strangers. (We have online anonymity and keyboard courage to thank for that.)

Personally, I’ve joined (and left) around two dozen Facebook mom groups in the past six years. After the birth of my first daughter in 2017, joining one seemed like the most common sense thing to do. I was an anxiety-ridden newbie who was desperate for some fellow mom camaraderie and the chance to feel seen, heard and, ultimately, not crazy. (Newborns have a knack for making you feel that way.)

My first-ever post in a Facebook mom group was a selfie I took holding my 3-month-old daughter in a fuzzy, oversized bathrobe, her beaming smile and adorably-defined dimples so cute she could’ve passed for an actual baby doll. It was a way of introducing myself and my new daughter, and I received hundreds of “likes” and way too many comments to count—all of them positive. 

That was how it was supposed to go, right? Moms flocked to Facebook groups because they were happy to meet and welcome other moms, share stories, and relate to others’ experiences. 

It was innocent. Something real. Something helpful.

That’s what I told myself, at least. But the internet has a not-so-subtle way of proving you wrong. 

Related: I hosted a motherhood gathering—and it was a life-altering experience

When mom groups rear their ugly heads

In every mom group, you have your typical hot button topics: Breastfeeding vs. formula. Organic vs. non-organic. Co-sleeping vs. cribs. Vaginal birth vs. C-sections. And, for some reason, chicken nuggets. (Related: Are dino nuggs really that bad?)

All of the other topics I’ve seen are surprisingly personal and, at times, have nothing to do with kids or parenting. I’ve seen anonymous posters vent about their lazy, manipulative or cheating partners (only to be met with a lack of empathy). Others have felt compelled to post screenshots of texts from disgruntled exes or shocking revelations about their sex lives (or lack thereof). 

Regardless of the topic (parenting-related or not), the personal attacks are impossible to ignore and even harder to forget. Sure, there are millions of trolls and keyboard warriors in every corner of the internet—but in mom groups? Mothers, of all people, are being ruthlessly shamed for how they choose to feed their babies or for allowing their kids to play on an iPad.

In a word? Chaos. Every mom group I’ve encountered is meant for companionship but results in unbridled hostility. And here’s the thing: A recent study out of Pepperdine University took a look at the cortisol levels of mothers who spent time on social media. Much to the shock and surprise of no one, they found that more interaction online leads to higher cortisol levels and feelings of being threatened, resulting in more stress. Negative experiences on social media stress us out—so why do we continue to search for solace in groups overflowing with toxicity?

Related: Hilarious parody video about Facebook mom groups is almost TOO accurate

I’m not sure what happened to online mom groups, but I’m done—and I can’t be the only one

What exactly is the purpose of mom groups now? Are we, as a society of tired, stressed and overworked mothers, simply gluttons for punishment? Are the sporadic moments of positivity and self-validation enough for us to overlook the endless online bullying? Or, perhaps, we simply thrive on the drama, popcorn at the ready as we settle in for another explosive online fight over frozen chicken nuggets.

It’s a sad thought, but one I’ve come to embrace: Mom groups have become a source of entertainment, rather than an avenue of support. Personally, it hurts my soul to see mothers who share genuine concerns or questions about kids and parenting, only to be met with disdain and enough criticism to make even the most confident person feel like a failure. 

I miss the days when moms lifted each other up. When there was a palpable sense of support online. Whether today’s heated political atmosphere is to blame, I don’t know. But I believe the solution lies in those who are part of our daily lives: family, partners, friends or co-workers. Throwing out a question to a group of online strangers serves only as bait, waiting in the void for virtual piranhas to bite. There’s no way to receive valuable, tangible advice—at least not anymore.

I don’t know what happened to mom groups, but I’m out. They once offered us a lot of good—an opportunity for connection and belonging. But, as they often say, all good things come to an end.