How to navigate the holidays when your kids have two homes

The holidays can be bittersweet for divorced or blended families. We’re supposed to cherish the holiday season and be excited about family dinners, but when we’re apart from our children or in conflict with their co-parent, the holidays can be a huge source of stress. 

As Chief Clinical Officer at Hopscotch, I oversee our network of insurance-covered child and teen therapists, helping connect them with caregivers whose kids need help with anxiety, ADHD, depression, and other behavioral health issues. Through my experience at Hopscotch and in my practice working with families from all walks of life, I hear the same sentiment from so many divorced or separated parents, even from some of those who have a healthy relationship with their former partner. 

The pressure of managing everyone’s expectations for holiday cheer and magical moments can be a lot for most families. But trying to celebrate the holidays as a divorced or separated co-parent can be even more challenging. Perhaps, things are still tense with your ex, finances are really tight or you find yourself with less of your social support network.

Related: We divorced—and our family thrived

Here are 4 common challenges divorced and blended families may face during the holidays, and effective ways to manage the feelings of stress.

1. Keep the kids at the center

As parents, we all want to keep our kids at the center of family life. We work hard to ensure that our children are happy and healthy, and want to help them feel joy during the holidays. But when we’re stressed or in conflict with our co-parent, we can lose sight of this. We can get focused on being “right” in an extended conflict, insist upon getting back for past slights or allow our conflict to spill out in front of our children. As much as possible, we want to consider what the impact of an experience may be on our children’s current emotional state and their ongoing emotional development. If you or your co-parent believe the experience may have a negative impact, consider how you could compromise to mitigate those concerns. 

As much as possible, try to keep the kids’ experience at the center of your plans. Let’s say a beloved grandparent will be in town for one day that you’d like to spend with your kids. How would missing that experience with their grandparent impact the kids current emotional state and their ongoing development? Is there a way to craft special holiday time with them at a different time so they can still see Grandma? By continuing to make your children a priority, you can continue to thoughtfully navigate difficult decision-making the season brings.

2. Communication is crucial

You don’t have to be on the friendliest terms with your ex, even during the holidays. But finding a way to effectively communicate, even through conflict, with your ex is crucial to your children’s holiday experience (and overall emotional development). Attempt to limit communication when you are feeling off emotionally. Think about the mode of communication that is most practical. For some, a quick phone call works. For others, text messaging is more convenient. Some prefer the structure of email. Be flexible and use the method of communication that allows the most constructive decision-making as co-parents for your children. Our providers often work with parents to help them clarify what they’re really trying to say, and communicate that in a way that can overcome tension and conflict—skillbuilding that is often at the core of child and family therapy work.  

Related: 5 tips for successful co-parenting, according to an expert

Communication tip: Especially around the holidays, it can be helpful to focus communication on facts over opinions: “These are the dates your family is in town” or “These are the hours of the school holiday play.” If you do need to share your thoughts or feelings about an area of disagreement, try to use “I” statements such as “I feel stressed when you arrive early to pick them up on a holiday.” It can be helpful to view communication as compromise. Not feeling like you and your co-parent are on the same page? Try to (non-judgmentally) clarify their goals for your child or an experience, repeat them back as you understand them and check to make sure you’ve got it right. Is there a way to craft a compromise that meets both of your needs and keeps the kids at the center of decision-making? 

3. Plan ahead when possible

The holidays can often morph into a time of “in the moment” connection and celebration. But when kids are between two homes, these impromptu celebrations and moments can be difficult to navigate without making thorough plans well ahead of time for both parties involved. At Hopscotch and in my own practice, I stress that children need that predictability to feel secure through all the stress of navigating two homes. For co-parents, it can also be easier to keep a cool head in negotiations if we plan well ahead before the holidays begin and don’t have to make quick decisions when emotions are running high at a tough moment. 

And remember, it’s OK to feel down if we miss out on a chance for spontaneity (“Ah! I wish I could take them sledding on this snowy day, but they’re at my ex’s!”), but having a predictable plan of where they’ll be and who they’ll be spending time with throughout the holiday can provide real peace of mind for your kids, which may be worth the sacrifice of some spontaneous snowball fights! 

Related: To the divorced mama struggling at Christmas: I see you

If you and your kids have some favorite experiences (a la sledding on a snowy day), try to craft a compromise on a few special exceptions such as, “If we have a great snow day when they’re with you, is it OK if I take them sledding for a bit and then drop them back off for hot chocolate at your place?” Again, this generally goes more smoothly if negotiated well beforehand.

4. Self-care is key

We all know it’s important to take care of ourselves when we’re stressed. But when you finally have a free moment during the holiday whirlwind, it can be disorienting and hard to remember to do something for yourself! Purposefully plan some “me time” such as a walk, a movie with a friend or dinner out with your partner. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes what we need most is a few hours alone to nap and recharge. But try not to make your default being sedentary or a recluse when your kids are away. In my experience, I feel that it’s important to stay connected to the network of people who love and nurture you. 

And be on the lookout for the role of alcohol, cannabis, and other substances during these times. Adults are at greater risk of falling into problematic substance use patterns after a divorce, and kids are more likely to engage in substance use behaviors of their own if their parents are struggling with substance use after a divorce. Enjoying a glass of wine when you relax is one thing. Finding yourself needing multiple drinks to feel okay may be a sign to cut down a bit or seek professional help.

Ultimately, a little forethought and planning can make navigating the holidays as a divorced or blended family more manageable. Think deeply about what you want the holidays to be like for your kids and be flexible and creative to craft meaningful experiences your children and family will look back on fondly.