Home / Journey / Fertility Prep More What not to say to someone who is trying to get pregnant crystalmariesing/Twenty20 When itâs not happening to you, itâs easy to forget that infertility can be a devastating, stressful, and expensive process that is emotionally and physically draining. By Dr. Sanaz Ghanal, MD, FACOG Updated November 4, 2022 crystalmariesing/Twenty20 Rectangle Fertility can be an overwhelming subject as it has many layers to itâfemale and male fertility, IVF, medications, procedures, surrogacy and so much more. When itâs not happening to you, itâs easy to forget that infertility can be a devastating, stressful, and expensive process that is emotionally and physically drainingâand it’s easy to slip and forget what not to say to someone trying to get pregnant. Instead of enjoying the excitement of planning for a baby, people might be propelled into a world of emotions that are difficult to navigate, with emotions ranging from frustration (the main one), anger, fatigue, sadness, guilt and others. More often than not, the infertility conversation is an uncomfortable topicâor it may just be that youâre forgetting the level of sensitivity to employ when talking to someone who is struggling. Itâs ok if youâre at a loss for wordsâwe can help. Below is a list of phrases and comments of what not to say to someone trying to get pregnant, along with helpful things to say and do for people who are trying to conceive. 1. âWhen are you thinking of having kids?” This is likely the top question those trying to conceive get askedâand they do not want to hear this. Itâs a constant reminder that they have yet to conceive and thus, can make them feel like a failure. As soon as the parents-to-be know they are having a baby, they will share the great news with family and friends. 2. âRelax. Youâll get pregnant when the time is right.â Sure, you feel relaxed within the first few months of trying. However, after months and even years of failed attempts, the anxiety and panic set in and relaxation goes right out the window. Itâs important to remember that infertility is a medical diagnosis and often requires medical treatment. Telling someone to relax is not only medically inappropriate and ineffective advice, it also oversimplifies the fertility journey for many couples who may need more advanced medical treatments in order to conceive. 3. âWho is causing the issue? Him or her?” Not only is this wildly inappropriate from both a conception and sexual standpoint, but it places blame and can pin one party against the other. There are often multiple reasons why a person or couple may be struggling to conceive, and the process is not about assigning blame, but more about helping that person find solutions. Refrain from blame-shifting comments such as this and simply show your support for their journey. Related: 8 things I want you to know about infertility 4. âNot everyone is meant to have a child.â You might as well tell your toddler-aged niece or nephew that Santa Claus isnât real. This phrase is a complete dream killer and could ultimately deter individuals from continuing to pursue their family planning goals. Be respectful, be supportive and allow parents-to-be to find their own path to parenthood… without outside commentary that it may never happen for them. 5. âWe struggled to conceive at first, too.â Itâs understandable that close connections will want to empathize with the situation, but try to refrain from comparing experiences. Infertility is a complex journey where no two experiences are exactly the same. Instead of taking the focus off the individuals who are likely going through one of the most difficult times in their lives, listen intently to their experience without incorporating your fertility journey into their situation. Related: Hereâs why we need an expanded definition of infertility 6. âYouâre so young! You have plenty of time to have a baby.â Infertility doesnât discriminate, and being young doesnât necessarily mean youâre immune to infertility. Women are born with all the eggs they will ever have in their life. Fertility begins to decline as early as the late 20s and early 30s and decreases faster after age 35. Some women have other risk factors for infertility that are not related to age. Itâs best to steer clear of making comments about age because you donât know the medical history of anyoneâs body. 7. âYou can always just adopt.â While adoption can be an amazing option for some families, it isnât a universal fit and not a decision to be taken lightly. It may be a common suggestion, but many people forget the emotional and financial commitment of adoption. Adoption also doesnât eliminate the pain of being unable to conceive naturally. In fact, the recommendation may even reinforce and solidify that couples canât conceive on their own. Just remember that choosing adoption is an extremely personal decision and it should be approached with the utmost sensitivity. Related: What I wish I knew before adopting Conversations around infertility are challenging. You may not always know what to say, but itâs critical to be mindful of your words and actions when connecting with couples going through this strenuous time in their lives (and for a list of helpful things to say to someone dealing with infertility, go here). Everyoneâs fertility journey is unique, and some people may not feel comfortable sharing their experience. Be respectful, be kind, be empathetic and most importantly be supportive of your others who may be going through a difficult time. Sometimes a simple âIâm sorry you are going through thisâ or âIâm here for you if you need meâ goes a long way. A version of this story was published January 5, 2022. It has been updated. 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