Mom shares important phrase to help kids (and adults) process anger—and it’s brilliant

It happens all too often: your kid is having an epic meltdown, you’re exhausted, you’re frustrated, and then your kid throws an object, hits, bites or does something else that is a definite no-no. Your blood is now boiling and you snap, causing your kid to become even more hysterical. When everyone is calm, you can repair and apologize to your child for how you reacted. But there’s also a way to navigate meltdowns with compassion and a firm boundary to (hopefully) curb escalation on both ends.

Erin Morrison, who goes by @itstheconsciousmom on Instagram, shared a reel that reveals a phrase she uses on a daily basis to help both her kid and herself process anger: “You can be mad but you can’t be mean.”

In the reel, she explains how this simple term is helpful for processing anger in two ways: 

• Reminding the parent they can be mad but can’t be mean
• Modeling to the child how to address a situation in a calm manner

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A post shared by Erin Morrison, EdM, MA | The Conscious Mom (@itstheconsciousmom)

The conscious parenting practitioner and mother of two also gave more insight into the impact of the phrase in the reel’s caption, admitting that many adults don’t possess the necessary tools to regulate anger. “I think adults need to hear this phrase more than kids sometimes because after all they learn it all from us don’t they,” she wrote. “But here’s the thing, we’re all working with the tools we have and most of us don’t have the tools to manage our feelings let alone anger. So we’re learning alongside our children.”

“Half the time we’re mad it’s because we have a much more tender feeling underneath that needs tending to… so the more WE as adults start caring for those needs the more we’re able to do so for our little ones,” she added. “So ask yourself this, what do you need when you’re mad? Finding this answer will be a powerful tool in guiding your child through their anger.”

“The second part of this is modeling what to do when we’re mad: we can talk it out, we can tell others how hurt, sad, mad we are, we can have alone time, we can play on our own, we can ask for a hug…” Morrison continued.” “Remember it’s the small shifts we make that create big, lasting change. Every little shift you make matters.”

Commenters chimed in, agreeing with her sentiments. “Adults need this advice too,” wrote parent/child educator and founder of Union Square Play Jennie Monness in a comment. 

“Oh I needed to hear this today!” wrote another. 

“Yes, we talk about how the emotions are ok but what are we going to do with them? Love this one liner! Makes it easy for both my kids and I to remember!” added another commenter.

When talking to children, the delivery is key. It truly is amazing how the smallest reframe can make all the difference.

A version of this story was originally published on Dec. 1, 2023. It has been updated.