Viral Instagram shows the magic of a ‘simple reframe’ when talking to children

Have you ever had a day where your kid won’t listen to anything you say? Where their answer to everything is “NO!” and the little patience you have is gone? You might snap. If so, you’re not alone, we’ve all been there, but when what you’re doing isn’t working it might be time to switch up how you’re phrasing things to your child.

Kids respond to the language we use with them, and when that language is framed negatively, then we shouldn’t be surprised when the response is also steeped in negativity. (Again, we have all snapped at our children, and you are not a bad parent if you’ve been there, too.) Positive parenting influencer Krystal Slavin, who goes by @mama_nurturer on Instagram, shared a simple yet impactful reframe to use next time you ask your child to do something they might not want to do. It’s called “When/Then.”

“Sometimes a simple reframe with your language and how you ask your child to do something can really make a big difference with how they respond,” Slavin wrote in the reel’s caption.
I’ve found this to be really helpful.”

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In the reel, Slavin gave some examples of what this reframe looks like and different scenarios when it can be used.

• Instead of, “You have to put your shoes on before you go outside,” try “WHEN your shoes are on, THEN we can go outside.”
• Instead of, “We can’t go to the park until you clean up your mess,” try “WHEN all the toys are put away, THEN we can go to the park.”
• Instead of, “No TV until you eat breakfast,” try “WHEN you’ve finished your breakfast, THEN you can watch TV.”
• Instead of, “You can’t ride your bike without your helmet,” try “WHEN your helmet is on, THEN you can ride your bike.”

It truly is the simplest adjustment in delivery, but it can make all the difference. When we demand something from our children, their first instinct will be to push back—especially if it’s something they don’t want to do. When we use language like “When/Then,” it gives them a sense of control. We’re not saying they can’t do something, we’re saying they can as soon as they complete the first task. Will this work 100% of the time? Probably not, nothing does. But if you have a child who is resistant to doing things you ask, it might be the easy change you both need.