After a 4-month NICU stay, I’m not the parent I thought I would be

After experiencing the trauma of an emergent birth and an almost-four month stay in the NICU, I am not the parent I thought I would be. All the notes I took, books and blogs I read and even my registry went right out the window. Our NICU experience taught me to find joy in every moment.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I ordered every book I could find and talked to every mother I could. As a woman of color, I asked other mothers of color for recommendations in care and how they built safe birthing villages, understanding that the birthing crisis for Black and Brown mothers is still formidable. I had so many questions: What should I ask my providers? What should I eat for a healthy pregnancy? How should I feed my baby: bottle or breast milk? 

Related: My NICU experience shaped the way I parent—even three years later

All my questions and to-do lists came screeching to a halt when I found myself diagnosed with preeclampsia at 25 weeks. A two-week hospital stay resulted in the preterm birth of my daughter, Aria, at 27 weeks.

When Aria was born, my idea of parenthood and how I wanted to parent changed immediately.

All that mattered in that moment was prioritizing my presence for my child, since many of the decisions were out of my hands while Aria was being treated. 

When Aria came home after four months in the NICU, I had no idea what she would need. I had been so preoccupied with nursery items, clothes and baby gadgets, but now, I was worried about where to put oxygen if she needed it or how to adapt furniture if we needed any feeding devices. I also had countless appointments and consultations for conditions we didn’t even know about yet to take into account. All my other mom friends never had to consider these things so there was no community for me to consult. I had no idea what kind of motherhood I was entering, but I knew I needed help, so I consulted a therapist.

Related: I’m a Black mom, and I had to advocate differently for my NICU baby 

With my therapist, I worked through the idea that parenting Aria would not be exactly how I envisioned it. Now that she’s older and I’ve developed my core group of parent and mom friends, I’m often told I parent like a second-time mom. Little things that my friends said they would have freaked out over the first time around do not phase me.

Nursery gadgets missing when she was released home? We didn’t use it before and we don’t need it now.

Feeling anxious about co-sleeping? My child wore breathing monitors for months—there was no way I was taking my eyes off of her when she came home. We co-slept and nursed to sleep, and that’s my business and what worked for our family.

When she began to walk and fell down (as all babies do when they’re learning this new skill), I watched her reaction first before I made a big deal of it. 

My friends were shocked at how calm I was. When we transitioned to solids, I jumped into baby led weaning with no hesitation and Aria thrived. I learned early on that she’s an amazing, strong, smart and most importantly, a happy kid.

I had two choices: I could be an overbearing parent because she started out as a sick kid or I could let her breathe, learn and grow. I chose the latter and I don’t regret it. 

Related: Dear mama sitting in the NICU: Sometimes you’ll fall apart and that’s okay

I thought I would be a real stickler for going by the book, but Aria has taught me the importance of flexibility, to cherish every moment instead of overthinking everything and to enjoy the gift of being a mother.