4 things I wish I had known about new sibling relationships as a mom of 3

I’ll never forget bringing home each of my three children. With my first, Leland, everything was new and challenging, but he had our full focus. We were as intentional as we knew how to be at the time, teaching him new skills and giving him every learning opportunity. With my second and third, Thacher and Bea, I felt more confident about how to care for them. But looking back—if I’m honest with myself—I know now that I could have been more deliberate about giving each of my younger children their own developmental experiences.

When you’re welcoming a new baby, it’s natural to defer to the needs of your older child. There is already a strong existing bond and your routines are established. Second or third babies are often described as “easy” or “low maintenance”. And yes, things can seem easier the second time, maybe because our confidence level as parents is usually higher. But are we accidentally limiting our second borns? The research says, maybe.

According to a 2018 paper, younger siblings score lower on cognitive testing than older siblings. This effect grows until school age and remains once the child enters school. Another paper from 2006 found that being born first is associated with significant educational advantages, and later, income-based advantages when compared to younger siblings. 

There are obviously exceptions to this, and my intention isn’t to assign blame. But I wonder what would happen if we parents gave the same intentional developmental focus to our second-born children. Would we see some of these trends shift? 

Here are four things that I wish someone had shared with me back when I brought my second and third children home. My hope is that these will support your new baby’s developmental path and smooth the transition for your firstborn at the same time. You can also hear more on this topic from experts by checking out Lovevery’s New Sibling Course Pack.

4 ways to strengthen the new sibling relationship

1. First, remember that your new baby has developmental needs, too

Of course it’s harder now that your attention is split. But it is possible to support both your new baby’s and your older child’s developmental needs, sometimes even at the same time. Playful activity ideas, stage-based learning toys and knowing what each child needs developmentally can make all the difference. Science consistently shows that a massive amount of brain growth takes place in the first years of life. Each of your children has their own trajectory and needs deliberate developmental attention. 

2. Your firstborn may not want to be Mama’s little helper

Let your older child decide how and if they want to engage with the baby, and allow the relationship to unfold. Try to follow your older child’s lead on interacting, helping or having emotions about the baby. Encourage—but don’t pressure—your older child to be involved with the baby. Welcome their help if they want to offer it, but don’t push the issue. It’s so natural to want to see positive sibling dynamics right from the start. But this is a long-term relationship, so it pays to give your children time to come together on their own terms. 

3. Make it a family rule that everyone’s opinion matters, even the baby’s

To build empathy in your older child for the baby, try giving your newborn a voice. You can narrate what you imagine your baby is thinking, speaking for them until they can do it on their own. You might say, “It looks like the baby is telling us that she doesn’t want to play with that right now. Let’s give her some space.” You can also talk to the baby to let your older child see that you recognize their needs, too: “Baby Brother, will you please wait one minute? I’m reading to your older brother right now.”

4. Indulge your older child when they pretend to be the baby

If your firstborn reverts to babylike behavior—wanting to be held, using baby talk, or asking to drink from a bottle—it’s OK to indulge them. You can make a game out of pretending to be the baby. Allowing for this temporary dependence will help them work through their feelings. This phase will pass, and though it might seem counterintuitive, reassuring them now can help them build back their independence. 

A note on supporting new sibling relationships

In developing our New Sibling Course Pack, we asked the Lovevery community how hard it was—versus how hard they thought it would be—to care for more than one child. We found that 1 in 5 expecting parents worried that caring for two or more children would be extremely challenging. But as they went through it, only 1 in 10 said that was actually the case. 

We don’t want to minimize the challenge—it’s certainly not easy. But there are thoughtful and effective ways to welcome a new child into your family. Our work at Lovevery is supporting you through big transitions—just like this one.