What I learned when I let my kids help around the house

I’m not exactly sure when I stopped letting my children help me, but somewhere between my first and second child, starting a new job and moving across the country, things got a little fuzzy. With my first child, there always seemed to be ample time and space. We would sit on the floor and sort laundry, turning it into a lesson in matching and color recognition. The grocery store was both a necessity and an education in food and fun. I would wait patiently as she held the list in her little hands, checking off items as we strolled through the aisles. I didn’t flinch as she tossed the apples in the cart (and missed) only to get them back where they belonged one by one. She was helping, we were connecting and she was learning. It was a magical time. 

Fast forward a couple of years and I’m the lady zipping through the aisles tossing things in the oversized race car cart while one toddler snacks and my infant wiggles in his carrier. With the addition of our third child I noticed that I began to lean more towards efficiency over connection (case in point: rushing through the aisles as fast as I could). In my quest to manage my home, I began to overmanage my people and moments that could have connected us were overlooked. But connection wasn’t the only thing that was lost. More and more I noticed my kids were not helping in ways I would like them to—for instance, helping with little chores we could do together instead of racing to the finish line. 

It didn’t take long to see what was happening. Children are built for community and to connect—they can be natural, happy helpers. And while I would allow them periodically to help when they asked, I confess that I leaned towards doing it all myself simply to get it done and get to the “bigger and better” thing. And those bigger and better things were noble! I wanted to sit and read, cuddle, play a game, ride bikes or go on a walk with my kids. But by rushing through the little tasks, I was actually missing little quality moments along the way that were just as important, if not more. 

I started listening to my kids and leaning into their desire to help around the house. The result was profound, for both me and my family. Here’s what I learned.

3 practical ways to let your children help

1. I said yes to help in the kitchen

Once I became more aware of my kids’ intentions, I almost immediately noticed that my middle son consistently asked to help me with breakfast and dinner. How did I miss this for so long? Instead of slinging pots and pans around to get food on the table as fast as I could, I slowed down during mealtime. And, to my surprise, it hasn’t taken that much more time to get the food prepared. By being more intentional, my body and my pace are different and it changed the whole mealtime experience for our family. My son chops, stirs, opens and assembles the bagged salad, sets the table and pours the drinks. In the morning he enjoys putting toppings on the oatmeal or putting the bagels in the toaster. 

By rushing through the little tasks, I was actually missing little quality moments along the way that were just as important, if not more.

2. I said yes to help with laundry again

I noticed every time I dump a load of fresh laundry to fold on the ground, little people start to gather. After they have their fun with a signature jump in the pile, I settle in crisscross applesauce and begin to fold. Low and behold at least one child will meander over and we start, quietly, as if we have our own special dance. We make little piles and match the socks. I don’t ask for help or demand it as I have done in the past. Now, I welcome the help and try to make it easy. When I yell “sock run!” everyone bolts to get their socks to see who can be the quickest to put them in their drawer. It makes me smile and I’m shocked I’m having fun doing this chore. 

3. I said yes to putting groceries away

Instead of doing things myself or asking my children to do their tasks independently, I now encourage them to do things together as a unit. Now, my children (and not always all at once) will unload a bag of groceries and enjoy putting each item in its right place. I can recall so many times when they would want to help unload groceries, and I would say cheerfully “Thank you but I’ve got it guys you go ahead and play!” In rejecting their help, I unknowingly shut down their desire to contribute and created a world for them where mom did everything, alone. Now, this small act of putting away groceries feels communal as we all pitch in together. 

How letting kids help benefitted them (and me)

What did I notice as I allowed my children to help? For starters, I was surprised how much it benefitted both of us—it was a two-way street. Here are five ways that our family benefitted from slowing down, being more intentional and letting the kids help. 

1. It boosted their confidence

Small “big kid” tasks made my children feel capable and strong. They asked to do more and learned new skills, which ultimately, boosted their confidence. 

2. It built up a newfound sense of autonomy and independence

My son often puts toothpaste on his toothbrush, and does the same for his siblings. He also likes to prep snacks and water bottles for the next school day. By encouraging him to help, it has sparked a desire to do things for himself and take on new tasks. 

3. It lightens my load

According to Motherly’s 2023 State of Motherhood survey report, the mental load of parenthood continues to be borne by mothers, with household and family responsibilities falling more on mom than even during the height of Covid. This year, 58% of moms report they are primarily responsible for the duties of running a household and caring for children, up 2% over 2022.

There is this delicate balance between doing everything for your brand-new infant and then realizing you are still wiping your seven-year old’s bum. Little by little and day by day, your children are more capable and want to do things for themselves. By allowing them and encouraging them to help themselves (for age-appropriate tasks) my load is a bit lighter. 

4. It connected us as a family

The more I allow my kids to help—even if it’s messy or takes more time—means that we are working together as a team. There is a newfound sense that we are in this together. Working side by side to clean our home, prepare food and take care of ourselves and each other creates a special bond that further deepens our connection as a family. 

5. It made them more aware of what is going on around them

Saying yes to helping has opened up another world to my kids. By nature, and age, my children are self-focused. But in small ways I see they are looking outside of themselves to see the needs of others around them. 

Right now, this looks like holding a door for someone or helping carry something, but I pray it will prepare them for the changing world around them, always looking for ways to jump in and help.