Have we gotten too gentle in gentle parenting?

Millennials, the OG generation of gentle parenting, have redefined modern child-rearing with a softer, more empathetic approach. They’ve tossed out the old-school “because I said so” (:::shudder:::) in favor of connection and collaboration, focusing on psychology and emotional well-being. This shift is nothing short of revolutionary. But lately, a new wave of pushback has stirred the parenting pot, asking: Are we being too gentle for our own good?

Critics argue that gentle parenting sometimes blurs the line between kindness and permissiveness, leaving parents at risk of being seen as pushovers. Some say that gentle parenting stresses kids out if they have parents who aren’t willing to set boundaries or be clear on expectations for kids. Extreme versions of the approach—like never saying the word “no” altogether or never setting a boundary with your kids—have sparked serious online debate. While parenting coaches tout these methods as ways to nurture independence, there’s concern that the pendulum may have swung too far.

Here’s my take: As a mom of five, I’ve explored various parenting approaches. I believe gentle parenting’s core intention—to prioritize emotional connection and respect—is not only beautiful but also effective. However, it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. Here’s what I’ve learned and what research says about making it work:

Consistency, clarity, and calmness (almost) always win

Children thrive when they know what to expect. Predictable rules and calm communication create an environment of trust and security. Research consistently shows that children benefit from clear and consistent parenting practices. For instance, studies published in Psychology Today reveal that consistency helps children understand boundaries, fosters trust, and reduces behavioral issues. Calmness is equally essential during disciplinary moments, as it prevents conflicts from escalating and keeps communication constructive. By modeling calm behavior, parents teach their children how to regulate emotions—a critical life skill. This is probably the most important skill I’ve learned as a parent. It’s a relationship game-changer (and a self-care practice that pays off day in and day out).

Connection before correction

Gentle parenting is rooted in the idea that emotional connection should come before correction. Validating a child’s (or spouse’s!) feelings before addressing misbehavior helps de-escalate challenging situations and fosters a sense of security. Effective parenting begins with creating an environment where both children and adults feel a sense of belonging and significance. This approach not only addresses immediate issues but also strengthens the parent-child bond, paving the way for long-term positive behavior.

Related: No, gentle parenting is not permissive parenting

Every child Is different

One of the most critical lessons I’ve learned is that no two children are alike. Parenting approaches that work for one child may fail with another. For example, I tried a “don’t say no” method with one of my kids, thinking it would foster independence. Instead, it backfired—he thrived on direct guidance. Adjusting to his needs, I began using more straightforward language and setting clearer boundaries. To balance this, I made an effort to offer abundant praise during positive moments.

Research supports this flexibility. Studies show that tailoring parenting techniques to a child’s unique personality and temperament results in better developmental outcomes. Balancing correction with positive reinforcement helps reinforce desired behaviors while boosting self-esteem.

What the research says

Science backs the basic principles of gentle parenting. In any relationship—including parenting—when individuals feel safe and supported, they’re more likely to engage in introspection, learn from mistakes, and grow. Conversely, fear or domination often lead to shutdowns and hinder personal development. Parenting is not about asserting control, but about guiding children with respect, intention, and care.

Giving grace to parents

It’s easy to criticize Millennial and Gen Z parents for trying something new. But let’s not forget they’re breaking generational cycles of harshness and emotional distance. Are they perfect? Of course not. But they’re learning, evolving, and putting in the hard work of balancing gentleness with authority.

So, if you’re a parent figuring all this out, give yourself grace. Gentle parenting doesn’t mean you can’t be firm; it means approaching discipline with respect and intention. Your kids will know you’ve got their back, even when you’re saying no.

After all, parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up, learning, and growing together. Millennials and Gen Z parents are proving that’s possible, one “gentle no” at a time.

Related: The problem with ‘gentle parenting?’ It’s not always gentle on mothers

Sources:

1. Disciplining kids. By The Free Press. 2024. “Ep 2: Have We Forgotten How to Discipline?”
2. Relationship between consistency and parenting. Psychology Today. 2024. “How Being Wildly Consistent Improves Your Parenting | Psychology Today.”
3. Understanding gentle parenting. Popular Science. 2021. “What ‘gentle parenting’ can teach us about care, relationships, and communication.”
4. Telling kids ‘no’.  Times Now. 2024. “How Did ‘NO’ Become The Dirty Word In Parenting?”
5. What’s gentle parenting.The New Yorker. 2022. “The Harsh Realm of “Gentle Parenting” | The New Yorker.”