I couldn’t handle the pressure: I fired the Tooth Fairy

I fired the Tooth Fairy. ? #SorryNotSorry

I am all done moonlighting as an ivory collector.

It was the fifth time the, “Tooth Fairy must have been so busy she forgot!” while my husband and I mouthed obscenities to each other over their heads, HOW COULD WE LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN???! My son sat me down and gently asked, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. I caved.

“YEEEEEES, I’m SOOO sorry!”

“It’s okay Mom,” he said kindly, “but can I please have the money?”

“Go grab my purse.”

Now that they know the truth, my seven year old tells me 47 times before goes to bed, “I just can’t wait until the TOOTH FAIRY comes tonight. The TOOTH FAIRY is welcome to leave cash or small toys, in case the TOOTH FAIRY was wondering.” Then he winks at me wildly until I’m worried he’s having a seizure.

The problem is, this doesn’t help, because I am going to forget forever, and my kids are shedding teeth like sheep dogs lose hair. We practically have to eat through straws around here.

I never think about it again until I feel him staring at me disapprovingly while I make breakfast the next morning.

“WHAT?!” I finally ask.

“The Tooth Fairy forgot last night,” he says. Then he doesn’t break eye contact for a full thirty seconds in case we both weren’t clear WHO the fairy is that he’s referring to.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. Why can I not remember this??

Also HOW DID THIS EVEN BECOME A THING??

Did the mothers of old turn their children’s canines into ivory earrings, or barter with them at the local trading post? Why are we paying our kids for their teeth? Do we think they will leave the tooth forever to rot in their heads if we don’t offer them some sort of cash incentive?

I feel like if I knew what I was supposed to do with the ivory once I collected it, maybe I’d be better at remembering.

Also I’m pretty sure I need Jedi skills to rummage under my kid’s head and not wake them up. Worst. Idea. Ever. Do other people’s children sleep kind of like dead people? Is there a form of Children’s Nyquil reserved for the Tooth Fairy? Or is it a simple use of pre-bedtime hypnotism?

Just tell me.

I really think there needs to be more specialty training courses for this. Right along with childbirth and breastfeeding. Here’s how to remove a tooth from underneath a sleeping child, taught by James Bond.

Meanwhile, I just made a family announcement—

I want to inform you all that I will now be doing daylight cash transactions for teeth. No more back alley deals. You bring me the tooth and I give you quarters.

During the day. When 100% of this family is awake.

The end.

Jessica writes at her blog Wonderoak. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.