This dad’s viral TikTok teaches you the brilliant way to avoid saying “no” to kids—and IT WORKS

In the years of parenting young children, there’s an onslaught of well-intentioned parenting advice that make you either involuntarily roll your eyes or just automatically think, “that would never work for us.” One of those pieces of advice I heard over and over again was not saying “no.” Huh?

Without more details, your mind runs wild over what kind of household these overly indulgent parents run. You never say no? Never? Well, to use an appropriate word, no. Jon Fogel of parenting TikTok account @wholeparent breaks it down that it’s not about having a boundary-less lifestyle, it’s about tricking your kids with a “conditional yes.” Ok, maybe it’s not exactly tricking, but it is brilliant. Here’s how to avoid saying no to kids in a reasonable way.

Related: 12 powerful parenting phrases that make talking to kids easier

Fogel’s example is from when his son recently wanted to stay at the park instead of going home to eat dinner. When Fogel’s son asked his dad about staying at park, Fogel explained that he heard how much he loved the park, but that they needed to go home for dinner now and could come back to the park the next day.

There are multiple reasons you might want to avoid saying no to your kid, but truth be told, traumatizing mine was not necessarily one of my concerns, personally. Avoiding meltdowns is, though. That two-letter word can bring on a storm of epic proportions, but I also don’t want to be a pushover to every request so I can avoid her having a temper tantrum.

Related: 20 phrases to use when your child isn’t listening

The ‘conditional yes’ is a great solve for many situations. I confirm that I use this all the time with my three-year-old daughter successfully—usually around food: when she asked for a certain snack she loves just after I told her it was time for dinner, I said “Yes! You can have that in your lunch tomorrow.” She brightened at the idea of getting her snack in her lunch for the next day, we had a positive interaction, and she was no longer thinking about how she wanted the snack instead of the dinner I was serving. I’ve found that these conditional yeses are generally an exercise in your child’s patience, and of course, they all have to be reasonable requests! (“Can I get a tattoo?” may be a bigger ‘conditional yes’ challenge.)

Replacing—not eschewing—your no’s is also an expert-backed parenting tip. Parenting experts and authors Heather Turgeon, MFT and Julie Wright, MFT, write for Motherly, “We’re not suggesting permissiveness. You can still be clear and hold limits without a lot of no’s. Unless someone is in immediate danger (a toddler is about to hit a friend or touch something unsafe), first attune. If you start this way, the next words out of your mouth will naturally have more information.” Attuning, they explain, is letting the other person know that you understand. (Here are seven other phrases they suggest if you want to say no by not saying no).

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