Growing up without a father affected my parenting style

This is not an article bashing fathers. In fact, it is the exact opposite. My husband is a wonderful father to our kids. He has a supportive and present father and his brothers are stand-up fathers as well. I know plenty of people with decent to really good fathers within my inner circle. 

I’m just not one of them. 

And it is for that reason I was unable to see the good in my children’s father. My biological father abandoned me long ago. My childhood was like a scene out of a movie where the child waits excitedly from dusk to dawn only for the father who said he’d stop by to never show up. 

After many failed relationships and four kids to look after, my mom reconnected with an old high school sweetheart. They eventually married and all seemed well. But, it didn’t take long for us to realize that he was no father.  

My youth is a blur for me now. The family dynamic as I saw it didn’t involve a positive male role model. 

Admittedly, it didn’t seem like the lack of a father had a major effect at first. I got good grades, I stayed out of trouble and I avoided the promiscuous labels that are stereotypically placed on girls who grow up with absentee fathers.

The effects of growing up without a positive father figure didn’t show up in my life until after my husband and I had kids. The thing about being a parent is you really have no idea what you’re doing and, if I’m being honest, it doesn’t matter how many kids you have either. Each child presents their own unique challenges. 

When my first son came along, I thought I had to do it all, just like I had seen my mom do. I couldn’t trust that  my husband would do the right thing and I didn’t respect his authority. He couldn’t discipline our son. He couldn’t make decisions on our son’s behalf. I felt that I had to do it because the men who came into life many years before him had already destroyed any sense of trust or respect I had for fathers.

It took several years and a second child before I realized how overbearing I had become. I had stunted his own growth into fatherhood. 

 I could feel the hurt in his heart when he yelled out to me, “I’m his father! I can make decisions for him, too.” 

Shortly after, we welcomed our third child, a baby girl. Something about having a daughter brought out new feelings of discontent. I wanted to shield her from everything I experienced. While I eased up on blocking his authority, I wasn’t able to let go completely. My expectations simply shifted. He had to give our kids everything I perceived as lacking in my own childhood. I was treating him like an absent father even though he was right there.

Later, I learned that with every mistake my husband made I was reminded of my past experiences and it was triggering feelings of neglect. Research showing the effects of absentee fathers on a woman’s interpersonal relationships validated my experience. I found recurring themes of the promiscuous and rebellious teen. 

It reminded me of an early 2000s song performed by then hot-girl Teairra Mari. In the song, “No Daddy,” Mari sings with an aggressive passion about how not having a father turned her into a wild, assertive and go-after-it woman. 

This is reminiscent of the one characteristic in my research that stood out: women who grow up without fathers are often presented as more assertive and controlling.

When I became a parent that assertiveness and tendency to control reared its ugly head. My need to control my husband as a father was keeping him from developing naturally on his own.

I required a version of a father for my own children that I had never even experienced. One shaped by  negative experience, instead of being influenced by the other fathers, including black fathers, I saw within my circle that actually were present and active parents.

So, I went on a journey to understand why it was so hard to let go. I learned that I set unrealistic expectations because I was afraid my kids would somehow turn out like me.

The only way for me to fix it was to heal and find a healthy balance. First, I educated myself on the psychology behind my actions. I followed positive parenting accounts. I learned how to handle parental differences.  

The most important thing I did was to confront my past traumas and finally admit that not having a father bothered me. It took a year of therapy to heal those wounds.

I am still working on this every day. I still have a tendency to want to control my husband so as to avoid worst-case scenarios. But, with balance, I can accept that he will not be perfect. He’s present and he’s a great father. He’s caring and he shows them affection. He is everything I never experienced.