Dads should relax about their daughters’ clothing choices, an expert says

My friend Jonathan got home one day just as his sixteen-year-old daughter was about to leave the house with her friends. She was wearing a T-shirt and a pair of barely-there shorts. Flustered, Jonathan looked at his wife. “I thought you bought her new shorts because the other ones were too short!” he said in a raised whisper. Unfazed, his wife responded, “Those are the new shorts.”

I have to say that the daughter in me is still surprised at how often the topic of dress comes up and how much angst it causes dads. I asked Jonathan what his main concern was in that moment. “My daughter doesn’t know teenage boys like I know teenage boys,” he said. “She doesn’t know how they think and what they are capable of. But I don’t feel like I can say anything about what she’s wearing because I don’t want to shame her.

I remember my own dad freaking out about my clothing choices. I remember rolling my eyes, thinking, “Reeee-lax, what’s the big deal?” I went to schools that required uniforms, and starting in middle school, the only thing I ever got in trouble for was that my skirt was too short. “My legs are growing too fast. I can’t keep up,” I would say when I got sent to the office, but the administrators didn’t buy it. And, their reaction was warranted. My ever-increasing height was only part of the story. The other reason I didn’t wear longer skirts is because I thought they looked ugly and were far less flattering. But either way, I didn’t think my wardrobe choices were that big a deal—and your daughter probably doesn’t, either.

In a conversation several years ago, I asked Dr. Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of “Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood”, what she thought was an area where parents worried too much. You may be happy to know that “girls’ clothing” was her answer. She went on to explain that girls aren’t always trying to send the highly sexualized messages of parents’ nightmares. Girls’ clothing choices are often more innocent than you assume.

“It is really common for adolescent girls to experiment with dressing in a way that looks sexy and to imitate what they see on TV, online, or in magazines,” Dr. Damour explained. “She is not thinking about the sexual implications or how she might be viewed by others or how it might be viewed by adults. Those things might not be accessible to her. Fifteen-year-old girls might not be able to see themselves through the eyes of a thirty-year-old.”

At Northwestern University, Dr. Onnie Rogers studies girls’ identity development. In my research for this book, we talked about the importance of physical appearance for girls. 

While it’s difficult to say what specifically motivates each girl’s outfit choices every time she gets dressed, what we do know, as Dr. Rogers explained, is that “in adolescence, young people are quite literally trying on different identities and figuring out who they are, and that is partially manifested in their physical appearance. Clothing choices, hair choices, and makeup are all signs of this process.”

Dr. Rogers told me she can understand why so many fathers feel terrified and even offended by their daughters’ outfit choices. But like Dr. Damour, she draws a distinction between the fear you might feel and your daughter’s actual intentions. 

“Fathers know what they think when they see women dressed in certain ways. They know what message society is bringing to it. And so their anxiety is often more about how girls are being perceived by others, as opposed to whether or not girls, themselves, are trying to communicate a particular message or not.”

The worry many fathers feel about how their daughter is dressing is not unfounded, but chances are their perspective is probably totally lost on her. So, what do dads do with this information? 

Fathers are in a precarious position in talking to their daughter about what she is wearing because of the simple fact that they’re not a girl. She may lack awareness of how she’s presenting herself, but in her eyes, her dad isn’t the authority on what is “normal” and acceptable in her peer group. And she probably doesn’t think her father knows what is cool, either. Also, by saying anything about her clothing, dads run the risk of body-shaming her, which can start a fight and have lasting negative consequences. 

Still, fathers don’t have to stay silent and give their daughter free rein to wear whatever she wants, whenever she wants. There are a few topics dads can easily touch on—and some others to definitely avoid.

How fathers can talk to their daughters about clothing choices

Do say: 

• How would you describe your personal style?
• What are your main inspirations for the way that you dress?
• Is this [clothing item you want to buy] something popular right now? What do you think is driving this trend?
• What are your favorite clothing brands? Why?
• I trust you, but I don’t trust everyone else who will be around, and I’m concerned you may receive unwanted and even unsafe attention if you wear something like that. What do you think?

Don’t say:

• You look like you’re asking for it.
• People will think you’re a slut if you wear that.
• I’m not buying you that because I don’t like it. (She will think you don’t understand her and aren’t trying to, which will likely draw a negative reaction.)
• Why don’t you dress more like your friend [insert friend’s name]?