Dr. Becky expertly explains why you shouldn’t force kids to say ‘thank you’ after receiving gifts

The holidays are here, and as you put the finishing touches on all that mom-made Christmas magic, you might also be bracing yourself for your kids seeming ungrateful during family gift exchanges if they don’t immediately say “thank you.” 

Thankfully, Dr. Becky is to the rescue (once again) with tips on how to teach your children about manners and gratitude before receiving gifts while advising against forcing them to say “thank you” or creating a power struggle in the heat of the moment.

“Okay, I wanna give permission to all of us parents to not get into a power struggle with our kids when they forget to say ‘thank you’ to a family member for a gift they receive at the holidays,” she says in the viral video. “Now let me explain, because you might be wondering, is Dr. Becky saying manners aren’t important? No, I actually think manners are really important, I just think there’s a real win-win here.”

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A post shared by Dr. Becky Kennedy | Parenting (@drbeckyatgoodinside)

Like all of her teachings, Dr. Becky explains why it’s better to prepare and practice these tools with our children instead of putting them on the spot. “We never teach manners or gratitude, which is the feeling a kid needs to actually say thank you on their own without a reminder, through shame or pressure,” she says. “It doesn’t work for kids. It doesn’t work for adults. That isn’t effective. We can teach gratitude and manners through preparation and practice and modeling.”

She then gives three example scripts of what you could say to your child ahead of a get together where you know they’ll be getting presents:

“Say to your kid, ‘Hey, I’m thinking people are gonna give you gifts. How might you respond? Wanna practice?”

“Another thing you might say. ‘Hey, hmm sometimes it’s tricky to say thank you to someone for a gift you don’t even like. Huh, I guess we can do both. We can not really love a gift and still say thank you because it’s so nice someone thought of us.’”

“If the thank you still doesn’t happen, model it. ‘Thank you so much. Tommy loves this present.’ ‘Thank you so much, you know that Raj loves puzzles and you got him one. That’s so nice!’” 

“All of these things are gonna be more helpful in the moment and more helpful down the line for your child actually developing gratitude and manners on their own,” Dr. Becky concluded the video.
This time of year is stressful enough as it is, especially for moms, so remember to give yourself—and your children—grace. And know that even if the “thank you”s aren’t there this year, that doesn’t make your child ungrateful. They’re still learning. We all are.