Dear self, it’s ok to feel like motherhood is full of contradictions

I’ve been the happiest since I’ve had children.
I’ve also been at my lowest.

I’m a much better version of myself.
I also haven’t always liked what I’ve seen when mirrors have been held up to me.

I’ve never been in more company.
And at times never felt so lonely.

Some days I don’t want to end.
Some days I wish away—oh, and the guilt from feeling that when they grow so fast.

I’ve never been so sure of who I’m meant to be.
I’ve never wondered so much who I am.

I’ve never felt closer with my husband.
But at times, I’ve never felt more distant.

I believe in myself, I trust myself.
I’ve questioned myself and doubted myself.

I always want to be better for them.
But I’ve yelled and cried and wished I’d handled certain situations better.

I’ve never loved so hard and so fiercely.
And I’ve never felt so vulnerable.

I’ve never been more broken.
And I’ve never been more complete.

I’ve never smiled so much.
I’ve never cried so much.

I’ve never craved alone time more.
But when I am I always feel like somethings missing, like an arm.

I’ve never been so excited to watch them grow.
And simultaneously wished they’d stay little forever.

Some days I feel like I’ve achieved nothing.
But as I think of them at night, I know I’ve achieved everything.

I’ve never looked forward to so much.
And I’ve also, never looked back.

It’s one beautiful contradiction.

A journey of wrong turns that are probably still right.
And dreams of the future even if you don’t get enough sleep to dream.
Exhaustion but effortless love.
The hardest and most rewarding thing ever.
Motherhood.