No, you don’t have to have dinner together every night to connect as a family

I recently had someone observe our family during a busy ballet recital weekend. They said, “It’s a shame you don’t eat dinner together around the table every night. That was something my family never missed growing up.” 

I’ve heard similar comments from people who seem to hold nightly dinners at the table as the report card for the family’s well-being. In an ideal world, it would be great if our family sat down around the table and had dinner together every night. But it’s not my reality, and I know it’s not a reality for a lot of moms, either. 

There’s more than one way to connect as a family

I have five kids between the ages of 9 and 17—two of whom we adopted from foster care almost two years ago. The first month after placement, it was a huge victory to get our youngest to sit for three minutes at the dinner table, and we celebrated when he finally ate more than a few grapes. He had severe ADD, and a lot of trauma to heal from. Dinnertime didn’t feel like a time of connection; it felt like a time of tension. But, when we went in the pool together, all that tension faded away, and it quickly became one of our favorite ways of connecting. We tossed the frisbee in the air for hours, each kid taking turns jumping from the side of the pool, trying to catch it in the air before they splashed in. 

We might not be the dinner-around-the-table-every-night family, but we love connecting through beach days, pool shenanigans, trips to the mountains, game nights, escape rooms or movie nights. Every family can find their sweet spot of fun and connection. It might not be around the dinner table, and that’s okay. 

There are seasons for everything

Once upon a time, we had dinner together as a family regularly. Now, most of my children are teenagers, and they are locked into sports, homework, friends and jobs. It’s bittersweet to let go of one season and embrace the next, but what’s important is that we make an effort to stay connected . 

My friend’s husband goes on deployment seven months out of the year, they have seasons of connecting over dinner and seasons where life looks different. My other friend’s husband is a firefighter who is also busy finishing school—it’s just a season. We shouldn’t shame any family for doing what’s best for them in any given season. All three of our families are as tight-knit as they come—even through the seasons when we aren’t eating dinner together as a family every night. 

The dinner table can still be a special memory

Although we don’t sit down at the dinner table every night, we go all out for birthdays, holidays and special occasions. When someone in the family has a birthday, we all work together to make that person’s favorite meal. Everyone contributes or lends a hand in some way. We say a prayer before our meal then, we all go around and say the things we appreciate about the birthday girl/boy. There’s been plenty of happy tears shed during these moments. At the end of the meal, the birthday person receives snacks in the same amount as the age they are turning—if they’re turning ten, they get ten of their favorite goodies. They know it’s coming, and they light up as they open their gift bag full of their favorite treats. 

Just because we don’t sit down to eat dinner at the table every night doesn’t mean we won’t have strong and beautiful memories around the table.