Resilient kids have parents who do these 10 things

Many parents hope to raise resilient kids who grow up able to bounce back from failure and navigate life’s disappointments with grace. It’s not about plastering a smile on after a defeat, but rather seeing the opportunities for growth and understanding that we all experience setbacks and mistakes. 

Fortunately, raising resilient kids begins with small, everyday actions that show your children that they’re supported no matter what. Here are some ideas for raising a resilient kid that hits the sweet spot between giving appropriate support and enough independence to foster their confidence and competence.

Parental support is a factor in how to raise resilient kids

“Having a relationship with a caring parent is far and away the most powerful protective factor for children,” Ann Masten, PhD and psychology professor, told The New York Times. She went on to explain that resilience is actually a combination of traits, including flexibility and confidence. 

Even your presence is the first step in raising resilient kids.

A note on failure and resilient kids

It has become a commonplace idea that failure builds resilience. But experiencing disappointment or failure is only half the picture. Resilience comes not from failing, but from the experience of learning that even when everything goes wrong, you can pick yourself up, try again and succeed. That requires at least some experience of success, and lots of emotional support.

So it’s true that we all learn from overcoming challenges, but we also learn when we experience success, which motivates us to tackle more difficult challenges.

Failure without support sets up a cycle of lack of confidence, giving up and more failure. Mastery, on the other hand, begets mastery.

10 habits of parents who raise resilient kids

1. They let their kids try things on their own

Even at the youngest age, parents who encourage grit in their kids allow them to try tasks on their own. Yes, it can be scary to sit back and watch your little one scale the climbing structure at the playground. But being on the ground encouraging them (without saying “be careful”) can be empowering.

As parents, it can be helpful to reign in our own anxiety. Stand by, smiling, ready to be helpful in whatever way actually helps your child—but stay back a bit and keep your hands to yourself, except to give appropriate encouragement and unless they really need assistance.

2. They model resilience

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a pediatrician who wrote a book called “Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings,” shared a great analogy with The New York Times: If plane hits turbulence, you’re not turning to the hysterical passenger for guidance. As he puts it, “You look at the flight attendants, to see if they’re still serving snack mix.”

As mamas, we’re not only experts on serving snacks, we can be calm in the face of frustration. And if not? After the fact (and after we’ve cooled down), we can share with our children how we would’ve liked to react in a situation. 

Related: 10 positive parenting phrases to stay calm when you’re on the verge, mama

3. They provide support for tricky tasks

Parents who are raising resilient children might see the moments where failure is possible (from the block tower falling to the science fair project), but they provide structure to help their children succeed.

So when should you step in and when you should “let them learn a lesson”? Always a hard call. Rescuing children can prevent them from learning important lessons. But when children see their parents stand by and let them fail, they can experience that as not being loved.

Instead of learning the lesson that they should have practiced that clarinet, or read the directions on that science kit, they feel like they are failures, that they cannot manage themselves, and that their parents did not care enough to help them not be failures or teach them to manage themselves.

4. They encourage their children

Encouraging your child not only keeps them feeling more positive and motivated, it also gives them an inner voice that will help to encourage themselves for the rest of their life.

Research shows that kids who talk themselves through difficult situations find it easier to master difficult tasks. Give your child mantras to repeat when the going gets tough. “Practice makes progress!” and “If you don’t succeed, try, try again!” and “I think I can, I think I can!” are designed to help us manage our frustration.

When your child goofs a piece on the piano and has to start over, or strikes out with the bases loaded, they need an automatic internal comforting voice to encourage and motivate them. Otherwise the harsh criticizing voice steps in, triggered by the disappointment.

5. They avoid the “good job” trap

It can be challenging, but parents who are raising gritty kids know that praise evaluates outcomes but doesn’t really offer much feedback. Consider using mindful phrases that acknowledge your child’s work.

Phrases like “tell me how you thought of that” allows for more meaningful conversations and a chance to learn more about your kiddo’s thought process and creativity. 

6. They encourage a growth mindset

A growth mindset has been linked to resiliency in the face of adversity. And big way to build resilience is to remember that the product is never the point. Instead of telling your child how smart or athletic they are, consider giving feedback over things they have control over, like hard work or perseverance. 

And resist the temptation to “improve” on your child’s task, unless the outcome is vitally important. Intervention undermines a child’s confidence. Our goal is for them to keep trying, practicing, improving and to learn that when they work hard, they can accomplish goals.

Related: How to help your child win–and lose–graciously

7. They help build confidence through scaffolding

Letting your little ones tackle manageable challenges builds confidence. Emotional development researchers call this “scaffolding,” which could be defined as the framework you give your child on which they build. You demonstrate how to do something, or you use words to suggest a strategy, or you simply spot them.

This assistance helps them succeed when they try something new, and small successes achieved with your help give them the confidence to try new things herself. Scaffolding also teaches children that nonjudgmental help is always available if they need it. You want your kids to trust that deep in their bones before they hit adolescence.

8. They talk positively about themselves

Any parent who has cursed under their breath and had a toddler repeat what they said knows little ones hear and absorb everything. Consider modeling positive self-talk for your kiddo.

Not only will it improve your mood, your kids will likely start to adopt the habit of speaking highly of themselves and their problem-solving abilities. 

Related: Try these positive affirmations to help raise a confident child

9. They accept big feelings

When your child encounters frustration, keep in mind that your empathy will be a critical factor in overcoming it. Instead of automatically jumping in to remove the source of the frustration, give it a larger context by communicating your compassion that they have to encounter this circumstance:

“I’m sorry this is so hard…”

“It’s really disappointing when…”

“This isn’t how you hoped it would turn out…”

It’s OK for children to get frustrated and to be disappointed. Your child may cry and sulk all day, but your unconditional understanding will help them grieve. Once they’re done grieving, they’ll be ready to pull themselves together to try again the next day, especially when you express your confidence in them.

10. They help their children see themselves as capable

Competence and feelings of mastery are about power and derive from a child’s experience as having an effect on the world. The more your child has opportunities to make a difference in the world, the more they will see themselves as capable.

That might look different for different families and kids in different stages. For some, it might mean volunteering together or pitching in with chores around the house. Confident kiddos grow up to be more resilient, one accomplishment at a time.

Sources

Mueller C, Rowe ML, Zuckerman B. Mindset Matters for Parents and Adolescents. JAMA Pediatr. 2017;171(5):415–416. doi: 10.1001/jamapediatrics.2016.5160.

Winsler A. Still Talking to Ourselves after All These Years: A Review of Current Research on Private Speech. Private Speech, Executive Functioning, and the Development of Verbal Self-Regulation. 2009. 3-41. doi: 10.1017/CBO9780511581533.003.

Originally posted on Aha! Parenting. A version of this post was originally published on August 21, 2021. It has been updated.