Being selfish made me a better parent

I’ve been called selfish three times in my life—and each of these memories are seared into my brain. The first time was a bestie breakup, and honestly, her assessment of teenage-me was pretty spot-on. The other two times occurred within the first year of my daughter’s life. 

As a first-time mom, I’ve experienced joy, wonder and an immense level of love I didn’t even know existed. I’ve also experienced stress and sheer exhaustion to a level I similarly didn’t know existed. I remember somewhere in the first month of my daughter’s life, I accidentally and inexplicably kept throwing out incredibly hard to replace items in the trash, including my retainer and my entire purse (the retainer was saved, the purse was not). 

All that to say: those early postpartum months were a wild ride, and taking the time to determine how to take care of myself in this new phase of life—and to follow through on those plans to do so—was a challenge. (I can only fish so many retainers out of the trash before it becomes a hygienic nightmare.) 

One of the ways I was able to prioritize taking care of myself was by having my daughter sleep over at my parents’ house twice a month. These sleepover weekends were game-changing because they allowed me some extra time to connect with my husband, to get some extra sleep without that added alertness for any sounds coming from the monitor, and to carve out space for the things I love, such as writing or making LEGO flowers (they are very beautiful and never die). I shared about this arrangement with a friend of mine, who had a child the same age as my daughter, and she replied, “Isn’t that kind of selfish to leave her there so often?” 

Ouch, that hurt. 

The third time came after my husband and I arrived at the big life decision that we were one-and-happily-done and were ready to enjoy this beautiful family of three we created. A friend of the family commented, “You’re not going to give her a sibling? That’s so selfish.” I still remember being blown away by this comment. How was I being told I was selfish again? 

Being a woman and being called selfish feels bad enough. Since childhood, girls are reinforced to perpetually gaze outward toward the needs of others before, if ever, gazing inwards to what they may need. And then, add in motherhood and it feels as if those expectations are magnified about 10 times over. 

Modern motherhood requires a mother to be the model of self-sacrifice, putting the needs of others, especially her child, above her own—and blissfully loving it every step of the way. 

To be called selfish seemed like I was behaving exactly opposite the way a “good mother” ought to be. 

My friend wasn’t finished. He sagely predicted, “If you don’t give her siblings, your daughter will be selfish, too.” My first reaction? How was my daughter, who was barely nine months, already being given a defining character trait? She was still just trying to master sitting up without toppling over, and somehow her character was already being dissected. However, my second reaction—and what I said in that moment was, “Good. I hope she will be selfish.”

While I want my daughter to be a caring and contributing member of society, I need her to remember that she also has a self she has to advocate for. That’s what being selfish means to me—it means remembering I have a self that I need to look out for and remembering this is vital for me as a parent. 

Being selfish as a parent means letting my daughter sleep over at my parents’ house twice a month. It means making the decision with my husband to have one child so we can invest in this beautiful family we created as well as our relationship, our careers and ourselves.

Being selfish as a parent means I pick up my daughter one hour later from daycare so I can attend my therapy session. 

Being selfish as a parent means sometimes I gaze inward and make decisions that feel good for me, while holding the complexity and discomfort that they may not always feel good for the important people in my life. 

I know I may get called selfish again from onlookers who observe my family from the outside and make value judgements on how we should be. What I hope is that another parent will see me being selfish and will feel a little more permission to make a selfish move whether it is asking for help from their support system so they have more time for themselves—or even just taking an extra minute to gaze inward before looking out. 

And what I dearly hope is that my daughter will see me being selfish in the way I care for myself, and recognize she deserves that same kind of love, care and advocacy for herself.