Navigating parenthood when you feel like an outlier

Navigating the complex emotions and experiences of my daughter’s birth through surrogacy was a journey in itself. There were moments when the joy of her arrival was shadowed by a sense of isolation, a divergence from the traditional birth stories shared by many new parents around me. I was acutely aware of our unique path and sometimes felt like an outlier in parenting groups where birth stories and pregnancy experiences were common bonds.

At times, my lack of a physical pregnancy experience meant that connecting with other mothers could be difficult; conversations about pregnancy cravings, labor and delivery weren’t something I could contribute to, which sometimes left me feeling on the fringes. 

The possibilities for building a family are as varied and wonderful as the people in them—from the wonders of assisted reproductive technologies like IVF, to the heartwarming stories emerging from adoption and foster care. Surrogacy opens a beautiful chapter for those seeking a helping hand while co-parenting and the growing community of same-sex parents celebrate the breadth of love’s capacity to transcend traditional boundaries. 

While each avenue reflects the evolving landscape of modern families and celebrates the diverse ways in which a baby is welcomed into the world, those of us who embark on a less traditional path can often feel isolated, inadequate or misunderstood. 

Despite my own challenges, my love for my daughter was paramount, and I worked to bridge the gap between my experiences and those of other parents. It became clear that while my journey differed, the essence of parenthood—love, commitment and the desire to nurture a child—remained universal. 

Here are a few tips to help navigate your own unique journey to parenthood, no matter how it unfolds.

8 tips on navigating a non-traditional approach to parenthood

1. Connect with similar stories

Seek out communities, both online and offline, where you can find others who have had similar experiences. This could be support groups for adoptive parents, LGBTQ+ families, parents of children with special needs, or those who have used surrogacy or IVF. Shared experiences can provide comfort and practical advice.

2. Educate your inner circle

Help friends and family understand your unique challenges and perspective. This can create a more supportive environment and also educate others about diverse parenting journeys.

3. Embrace your unique path

Celebrate the aspects of your journey that are different. Each family has its own story, and the challenges you’ve faced and overcome can make your family bond even stronger.

4. Be confident

There will be times when people may make uninformed assumptions or ask seemingly insensitive questions. At the end of the day, most people just want to share in your joy but may not be familiar with the specifics of your journey. Preparing responses or deciding when and how to engage can help you handle these situations gracefully, making otherwise awkward interactions educational and enlightening.

5. Seek knowledge

Read books, attend workshops, and stay informed about parenting techniques that might suit your family’s unique situation. Knowledge can be empowering and can give you tools to handle specific challenges.

6. Advocate for inclusion

Work towards creating more inclusive environments for your child and others. This could involve engaging with schools, communities and organizations to ensure they understand and accommodate different family structures or parenting challenges.

7. Be prepared for your child’s questions

As your child grows, they may have questions about their family structure or why their experiences may be different from their peers’. Prepare yourself for these conversations with honest, age-appropriate explanations. There are many wonderful children’s books that tackle these topics with simple stories and relatable characters.

8. Practice empathy

Your child will benefit from seeing you navigate parenthood as an outlier with empathy and understanding. Model the behavior you would like to see in them when they face their own challenges.

Remember, feeling like an outlier doesn’t mean that you are—it simply means you’re doing something that’s not the norm for everyone else, and that can be a beautiful experience! Your path and parenting style can offer a wealth of knowledge and a unique and valuable perspective not just to your family but to the broader community as a whole.