Mom & toddler expert advises against forcing kids to apologize in viral Instagram post

If there’s one thing toddlers are going to do, it’s fight tooth and nail against anything they don’t like—classic toddler behavior. Sometimes that means tantrums in the cereal aisle, sometimes that means slapping their sibling around instead of sharing. It varies from minute to minute, honestly.

Toddler expert, child therapist, one-half of popular account Big Little Feelings, and mom Deena Margolin shared some words of wisdom about toddler behavior and why, despite our initial instincts, forced apologies and children don’t mix.

Related: Don’t make your child say ‘I’m sorry’—what to do instead

“TFW you see your kid hit her little sister out of nowhere. It’s like in a movie when time slows down and the character yells NO-OO-OO-OO,” she writes in the caption of her latest viral Instagram post. “Then snaps back into place, and you’re standing there thinking, ‘WTF! Is my kid a psychopath? Is she not even caring that she just hurt someone?! She needs to learn to care. We need to make this right.'”

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A post shared by Toddler Experts (@biglittlefeelings)

And while toddlers sometimes feel like “little psychopaths,” they’re not (well, most of them aren’t anyway). Yes, we need to teach them empathy and that we can’t physically harm other people. But forcing an “I’m sorry” isn’t the way to go, Margolin says.

“We’re not big on forced apologies, which usually looks like this: Her head is downcast, you’re standing over her, and she mutters, ‘Sorry,'” she explains. “Forced apologies can leave them feeling ashamed, like they were a ‘bad boy or girl — feelings that totally inhibit any real learning + growing from happening.”

She urges parents to consider what their goal is in this moment—which, for most of us, is that we want them to actually feel sorry on their own and learn it’s not OK to hit. That’s internal motivation. Forcing an apology is creating an external motivation, which is designed to make us happy as parents. It’s not really teaching any lessons or giving our kiddos the emotional tools they need as they grow into fully-formed humans.

Related: Why I don’t make my kids apologize

In lieu of forced apologies, Margolin suggests asking, “Let’s see how we can help them feel better.”

“Why is this different than forcing an apology?” she continues. “You’re guiding their attention to the fact that the other kid HAS FEELINGS TOO. You’re showing them that feelings can change – and when you or someone doesn’t feel so good, you can make it feel better with care and love. Kids LOVE being involved, not orders being barked at them. The best way to teach, is to involve them. By leading the interaction now, you’re teaching them how to have empathy all on their own soon.”

All of these things combined help build internal motivation, so that one day our kids will say “Sorry, are you OK?” all on their own.

A version of this story was originally published on Oct. 11, 2022. It has been updated.