How to teach kids about ‘stranger danger’ today, according to a child therapist

If you’re a parent, it doesn’t matter how old your kid is—the threat of abduction or harm will always be there. Terrible things happen sometimes, and all you can do is give your child tools they can use to deduce if the situation they’re in is safe or not. If you’re a Millennial parent, chances are you were taught “stranger danger,” as in “don’t talk to strangers,” but Big Little Feelings’ child therapist Deena has a different approach to teaching kids about dangerous situations, and her advice might surprise you.

Deena recently shared an informative reel on Instagram about what she teaches in her therapy practice when it comes to helping kids identify dangerous situations. “STRANGER DANGER,” she captioned the post. “We all hear this phrase, but [how do] we actually teach our kids about it—without making them scared to talk to people?!? Simple shift: Think of it more as teaching your kids to be on the lookout for STRANGE BEHAVIORS instead.”

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“We don’t actually want kids to be scared of new people. We want them to be able to share their thoughts and ideas,” she explained in the clip. “And what we instead want to teach our kids to be on the lookout for is strange behaviors from people.”

What does that look like? She gave a couple examples: “If someone comes to pick you up from school but your parent or teacher hasn’t said that’s happening… that’s strange behavior. If someone tried to get you to go to a secluded place and keep a secret from your parents, that’s strange behavior.”

Why is strange behavior a better thing to be on the lookout for than strangers? Because, unfortunately, a lot of the unthinkable things that happen to children are at the hands of someone they know. “This is important because a lot of times, these dangerous or scary things actually happen with people that they do know,” Deena pointed out. “So it’s way more useful to instead [of teaching] a general ‘stranger danger’—teach about strange behaviors that people you know or don’t know might do.”

This approach makes so much sense, but it’s something parents may overlook because it’s hard to comprehend (to us as much as our kids) that someone they know and trust would ever want to or be capable of hurting them. Deena also made note to “use age-appropriate language and keep it high level so as not to scare or overwhelm” your children. 

It’s recommended to start these kinds of conversations when your kid is around 4 years old; however, basic safety talks are good to have with preschoolers. You can ramp up the discussion when your child is school-age and more likely to be out in public or at friends’ houses without you there. It’s tricky, especially with young kids, because you’re walking the line of your child identifying strange behavior without being scared of both strangers and family/friends, but it’s an important conversation to have.