Grief counselor explains why sharing a ‘communal journal’ with your kids is the key to a strong bond

Even though most of us think of diaries as private vessels with which to share our most personal thoughts, one grief counselor is making the case for sharing a communal journal with your kids. Kristin Hallett, a mom of two daughters, shared on Instagram last year that she hosted a grief circle, noticing a special bond between a mother-daughter duo in attendance.

“A daughter brought her mother to the circle as a surprise; the mom had no idea,” she shared. The daughter was encouraging her mom to unload some of the “weight and grief” she’d been carrying for her family.

“I watched them and I watched the relationship and it was exquisite,” Hallett continued. “So I cornered the mother after. I’m like, ‘Listen. I have daughters. Give me the goods. How did you create this relationship with your daughter, cause it is special. I can feel that.”

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by kristin hallett / the ellipsis experience (@ellipsis.____)

The mom revealed that she’d given her daughter a journal, inviting her to write down anything she wanted—anything she was scared to share or ask—placing it under her mom’s pillow so she could respond in writing. “‘It’ll never come up; it’ll stay in here. It’s ours to share,’” Hallett recalled the mom saying.

Hallett wanted to share the tip with fellow parents who might be looking for unique ways to cement a strong bond with their own children, creating a tradition with her 6-year-old and planning to do the same with her 5-year-old soon, as she told TODAY Parents.

“I feel so lucky because I’ll get pictures and ‘I love you’ messages,” she said. “We’re getting into the routine and (creating) a safe space for now.”

She also loves the practice of journaling for siblings with different communication styles, adding, “My youngest daughter tells me everything and my eldest doesn’t at all—she internalizes more.”

Of course, freestyle writing is a science-backed way to boost your mental health in spades, especially if you’re healing from grief, as Hallett’s inspirations were, or other traumas, such as post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Putting pen to paper can help with anxiety and depression, whether you’re taking some quiet time solo or journaling with toddlers.

Offering a shared safe zone for your child to express their emotions or ask questions also gives you time to process whatever you might read and organize your thoughts before responding—a lovely liberty that’s frequently not afforded in most parenting scenarios. So if you want to give it a try with your own child, buying a journal you’ll both love is a great jumping off point.

Still, you might not be fully prepared for what your child will write, which is why it’s worth having a game plan in case something written requires a verbal follow-up, as Francyne Zeltser, the clinical director of mental health and testing services at Manhattan Psychology Group told TODAY Parents.

“I would build in a rule that outlines a contingency of how an actual conversation can be initiated and held,” Zeltser suggested. “Therefore if or when a topic comes up that requires an actual conversation, both parties know how to initiate the follow-up conversation in a safe, validating and acceptable way.”