Mom advises friend to stop hosting playdates until foster daughter is ‘ready’ for them

In the U.S. alone, nearly 400,000 kids pass through the foster care system each year. But there are fewer than 200,000 licensed foster homes across the country. Loving foster parents who provide safe homes for children in need deserve so much, honestly.

In a recent post on Reddit’s “AITA” forum, a mom asked the internet if she was in the wrong after her friend, a foster parent, invited some people over to help her 9-year-old foster daughter get more practice playing with other kids, and the playdate devolved into an exchange of harsh words.

The mom in question wrote that the friend is homeschooling her foster daughter because she gets “overwhelmed around big groups of people and because she goes to other programs and services during the day.”

She continued, “All of this means she doesn’t get many opportunities to be around other kids so my friend invited us and another family over and told us to bring our kids so her daughter could get used to being around other kids. Our kids are 12m, 10m, and 7f. The other kids were 11m and 8f.”

Immediately, this mom criticized the other mom, writing, “She tried but the place wasn’t set up very well for the kids. She had a little marble run set, Manga Tiles, board games, and coloring set up in the living room for the kids. Her daughter saw it and asked if those were her toys. My friend said no and that she got new ones for them to share with the other kids. Then she asked about the games and my friend said yes, those were their games. The girl picked up the boxes and took them to her room. My friend wasn’t able to talk her into sharing them and refused to tell her they were for everybody.”

She continued, “The toys were also set up for younger kids so the boys started to get bored. I asked about turning on the tv and she told me that she can plug it in but she doesn’t have cable or streaming so the only things they can watch are whatever’s free on Roku or YouTube. We ended up sending the boys outside to play on her trampoline even though it was cold. Her daughter only colored with the girls when her mom was with her, then after 20 minutes she wanted to play by herself and locked herself in her room.”

At dinnertime, the mom wrote, “There was pasta, chicken, buttered noodles, and salad available but she still refused to eat any of it so her mom had to get up and make mac and cheese and dino nuggets just to get her to eat. After dinner she sat in her mom’s lap and refused to move until we went home.”

Still, the friend thought the play date went well, and graciously thanked her friends for being willing to lend their time (and their kids) to help her daughter. Only this mom did not see things that way.

“She was thanking us while we were leaving and saying this was great for her daughter. I told her that watching her kid get special treatment and take things away from them wasn’t good for the rest of the kids so she needs to wait until her daughter can be around people before she hosts again,” she wrote. “She thinks I was extremely rude and didn’t need to say anything but someone needs to tell her that she can’t have other kids over if that’s how her kid behaves.”

So now this mom wants to know if she was acting like an a–hole, and the commenters weighed in accordingly.

“You knew full well that this was a learning opportunity for the daughter. And you know that the daughter isn’t going to learn how to be around others—she has to learn by doing,” the top comment states. “That learning doesn’t have to include your kids, of course. They have their own lives and needs and don’t exist solely to be learning vehicles for your friend’s daughter. If you had called her up after the event and said ‘This had a bigger effect on my kids than I had anticipated, I hope you understand we won’t be doing it again,’ that would have been fine. But your definitive statement was rude and out of order. Your friend absolutely can have people over with her daughter behaving like that – provided her guests are OK with it. Believe me, your friend is excruciatingly aware of her daughter’s behavioural difficulties, the fact you think ‘someone needs to tell her’ is a testament only to your own self-absorption.”

Someone replied to that comment, adding, “I have 3 kids and tbh this was also a great learning opportunity for OP’s kids. My kids are well aware that they’re allowed to put their special toys away when guests come over – not all toys, but something special they don’t have to share if they don’t want to. This has never been an issue. They wouldn’t care if they saw this happening especially if I was there to remind them that they don’t always want to share all their toys, too.”

That’s another great point.

Another top-rated comment adds, “YTA. Big time. Worse than that, your egocentrism and lack of perspective terrifies me. Are you so obtuse and uncaring that you thought this play date was somehow all about you and your kids? It didn’t occur to you that a foster child, who has obviously been taken from her home for reasons we probably can’t begin to comprehend, might not be 100% upon manners and sharing? That she and your friend are navigating territory that you in your perfect world would never understand? I hope your friend keeps you far away from her and this child. You don’t seem to have the ability to show empathy and compassion in any way. Your remark was thoughtless and ignorant. I will pray for your friend who is doing her best to help this child find comfort and safety. We need more people like her in this world. People like you, not so much.”

Another commenter responded to that comment, writing, “She 100% thought that the play date was about her kids and her and her kids being hosted at her friends house and that it’s not a learning play date for her friend’s daughter. She for sure didn’t have a gentle talk with her kids before about how to behave and try to engage. She thought it’s the foster daughter who will play and entertain everyone so her ‘boys’ won’t get bored.”

Another commenter wrote, “Telling your friend that she should wait until the daughter is ready to socialize before hosting people is like telling someone they should already know how to ride a bike before they ever hop on one. She has to start somewhere, and it sounds like this girl has a lot to overcome. Your friend would have a better idea than you as to how to deal with her daughter. You should keep your nose out of her parenting.”

Here’s hoping the foster mom has found empathetic people to help her daughter—but it sounds like she has a great grasp of her child’s needs.