Dad asks internet for help after his tween daughters kicked him out of bed with his wife

While Reddit can be filled with drama and a great place to get lost scrolling, it’s also a wealth of information and advice—especially for parents. One dad turned there when he needed help with a tricky situation: His daughters started sleeping in bed with his wife, kicking him out into the guest room.

“We have two daughters, 13 and 11, and starting a couple of months ago I (the dad) haven’t slept in my own bed,” he wrote. “For a long while my youngest would frequently wake up in the middle of the night and come running into our room and literally launch into our bed between us. Even if I could go back to sleep after the drama she is an extremely restless sleeper and would flop, kick, and punch me all night. If it got bad I’d just head downstairs to the guest room.”

He continued, “Starting a couple of months ago she would be fine starting out in her bed, but by the time I went upstairs (my wife goes to bed around 9 and I would usually head up around 10:30) she’d already be in my space, asleep. I’d try moving her but she’d always wake up and just come running right back in. So I basically started sleeping in the guest room. Now, my oldest daughter, who’s 13, has taken up sleeping with my wife. I don’t even go upstairs any more. The bed is full. Even on vacation my wife would have to sleep in the master bed with both of them while I was by myself in the second room.”

At the end of his post, he wrote, “I’ve talked to my wife about it and she sort of loves the idea of the growing kids still needing her, and doesn’t want me potentially shaming them for not being able to sleep by themselves. When we do talk about it they only respond they’re scared of the dark or had a bad dream, or were anxious about having a bad dream. I should add both kids are VERY anxious and are both in therapy to manage their anxiety. Unfortunately we’re on a break from therapy over the summer because their therapist runs a summer camp out of the area and we decided we didn’t want to temporarily change providers. I’m sure this will be a great topic for them when they start back in September, but until then… any advice?”

In the comments, people had plenty of tips for him.

“Put the daughters in the same room,” the highest-voted comment said. People who responded underneath it added on more tips, like giving them a nightlight and a white noise machine.

“Me and my sister did this a lot when we were growing up. Mom and dads bed was off limits during the night, so we just slept together when we had trouble or were scared or anxious,” another commenter responded.

Another reader wrote, “This sucks. Consider whether there are any other areas in which your wife is having trouble letting go of parenting little kids and transitioning to parenting preteens/teenagers. Unless you and your wife agree that your kids need to sleep in their own rooms, it won’t happen. You and your wife need to get on the same page first.”

This a good point—that there are two separate issues at play here: the kids’ desire to sleep with their mom, and the wife’s desire to feel needed by her kids as they grow older.

So far, the dad who wrote the Reddit post hasn’t updated, so we don’t know if he took any of the readers’ advice or resolved this issue. But with so much good advice, we hope he found some help!

What parents need to know about older kids who still want to sleep with them

According to the Canadian Pediatric Society “behavioral insomnia” is a medical diagnosis used to describe 20-30 percent of kids who have trouble falling or staying asleep, and who end up in their parents’ bed at one point during the night. The impact of chronic co-sleeping on a person’s functioning—younger and older—can run the gamut from memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity.

Psychology Today says anecdotal data indicates that children today have higher levels of anxiety than previous generations. The reasons for this include (but are not limited to) higher divorce rates, frequent transitions, more over-scheduling, greater academic pressures, and the influence of being plugged in 24/7.

The site recommends parents looking to get kiddos back into their own beds can start with these initial steps:

1. Recognize the severity of the problem and commit to changing it.
2. Expect resistance and be prepared to use whatever resources are available to stick to and achieve the goal of family members sleeping in their own beds every night. For example, have friends or relatives who are not part of the negative cycle, put the children to bed at night.
3. Use a behavioral retraining model with the gradual removal of parental comfort and presence at bedtime replaced with parental attention and nurturing before and after bedtime and self-soothing strategies for children to use before and during bedtime.
4. Discuss the importance of changing the behavior with the children. Emphasize parents’ needs to improve their own sleep and that their bed is for parents only. In addition, discuss the importance of children being able to sleep independently as related to their ability to participate in age-appropriate activities.
5. Recognize that a child’s anxiety, lower self-esteem, and dependency behaviors during the daytime are related to their inability to have the confidence to sleep alone at night.
6. With consistent intervention, most children will learn typical sleep habits and patterns and remain in their beds for the duration of the night.