Study shows 2 in 5 kids experience verbal abuse by adults—here’s how parents can do better

A 16-year-old might carry fear that everything adults say about her is actually true. A 12-year-old might distinguish between physical and emotional abuse by believing that words stick with you forever, but bruises go away. An 18-year-old boy might feel “good for nothing” when adults call him “useless.”

These are just three anecdotes from a recently released survey of over 1,000 11-17-year-olds, revealing disturbing news that 41% of teens are victims of verbal abuse regularly from adults in their lives.

The survey was conducted by Words Matter, a charity focused specifically on reducing verbal abuse, and raising awareness about its potential to do lifelong damage to kids’ mental health. The organization points to brain development research from Harvard that links toxic stress to developmental issues, and they focus on the impact of love and bonding as brain-building must-haves for kids of all ages.

“It can affect their self-esteem and confidence, their future potential, and ability to function at home, school, the workplace, and in social situations,” Words Matter reports. In addition, abuse is linked to an increased risk of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-harm, substance abuse, and suicide.

Verbal abuse reported in the survey doesn’t have to come from parents. Sometimes it’s teachers, caregivers, friends’ parents, activity leaders, and others, per the study. Most concerning of all is that over half of them experience this weekly, and 1 in 10 report daily abuse.

Kids got specific about how verbal abuse makes them feel, reporting:

• Sadness: 66%
• Low confidence: 65%
• Depressed: 53%
• Humiliated: 52%
• Self-doubt: 46%
• Anxious: 46%
• Ashamed: 45%
• Embarrassed: 44%
• Isolated: 32%
• Frightened: 32%

Parents might not always realize whether their words are verbally abusive or not, and there is not as much clarity in some cases over what constitutes verbal abuse, unlike physical abuse which can be more obvious. Also called emotional abuse, the U.S. Office of Women’s Health defines it as “insults, and attempts to scare, isolate, or control you.” Any type of relationship can include verbal abuse, not just the parent/child.

Some examples of verbal abuse from parents or caregivers might include phrases, according to the Words Matter study, like “You’re useless,” “You’re stupid,” “You can’t do anything right,” “You’re worthless,” and “I’m ashamed of you.” These were the top five most reported sayings in the results, and over half of the participants said the adults are saying these hurtful words intentionally. In addition, 69% think that their parents are stressed at home, causing them to speak this way, while another 55% think it’s due to money issues.

Jessica Bondy, the founder of Words Matter, says she suffered verbal abuse during her childhood. She’s trying to get this particular issue recognized as a viable form of abuse and taken seriously.

“I don’t want another child on this planet to be impacted by the harsh words of adults as it can affect them for a lifetime, like it has me,” she tells Yahoo News UK. “It is in all our interests to think about how we talk to children to give them the best start in life – if you respect a child, they will respect themselves and others.”

How parents—and all adults—can combat verbal abuse

The good news is, even if you or another adult you know have used these phrases, there is a chance to flip your word choices to intentionally build up the kids in your life. Instead of the above, try to make these part of your regular vocabulary, even potentially posting them in an obvious place to remind yourself that these words matter to kids:

• I am proud of you
• You can do it
• I believe in you
• I’m here for you
• It’s okay to make mistakes, you can learn from them

In challenging situations, our frustration and/or overwhelm can cloud our better judgment and lead to less-than-admirable human moments. Keeping a few phrases in our back pocket can help us and our children get through those challenging moments unscathed.

Prof Peter Fonagy, head of psychology and language sciences department at UCL, tells Yahoo News UK that Words Matter is tackling “one of the most critical issues affecting children.”

“What children hear when they grow up is vital to forming strong and healthy relationships with themselves and those around them,” he says. “All children need positive, supportive words, to develop trust, emotional security, their identity, and self-respect. Words matter.”

Kids and others witnessing or experiencing domestic abuse can also call, chat, or text the National Domestic Abuse Hotline or search for resources on their site. As our country, and others, continue to battle spiking mental health conditions, kids need our vigilance, intervention, and support, and adults in their lives need to rethink the deep power of their word choices.