The soap dispenser experiment: a window into the invisible mental load of motherhood

On TikTok, creator @theearlybirdhasanxiety posted a video that’s as relatable as it is maddening: a soap dispenser sitting empty for a week. No one refilled it. Instead, family members unscrewed the lid to access the soap remnants, avoiding the “chore” entirely. The video, with over 166,000 views, is a perfect metaphor for the invisible labor moms carry every day—the unnoticed, undervalued tasks that keep families running smoothly.

The comment section exploded with solidarity:

• “I swear they believe in a refill fairy or something 😡🤬.” – @gracelinroses
• “I had to scream, ‘Your time isn’t more valuable than mine!’ to get them to understand.” – @Cupcake
• “If I don’t do it, it’s not going to get done.” – @cb907

This isn’t just about soap. It’s about the countless unseen responsibilities moms shoulder. As the original poster put it: “The invisible load is crushing.”

@theearlybirdhasanxiety

I swear they believe in a refill fairy or something 😡🤬

♬ original sound – Kay

79% of mental labor falls on moms

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that moms carry 79% of daily mental labor. This includes remembering appointments, planning meals, and tracking school schedules. Meanwhile, dads tend to handle “episodic tasks,” like fixing the dishwasher or servicing the car—important, but less frequent.

These unequal dynamics mean moms are often stretched to their limits. The invisible labor goes unnoticed, yet its impacts ripple through every aspect of a mother’s life. It’s not just about time—it’s about mental and emotional well-being.

As one commenter put it: “I literally thought yesterday, ‘How much is this worth? The cooking, cleaning, errands… When does it ever end?’” – @FernSnailWren

Related: The never-ending equation of being a mom in the 21st century

Why the soap dispenser matters

The soap dispenser video highlights a common refrain among moms: “If I don’t do it, no one will.” This is the essence of the mental load—not just doing the tasks but being the one to notice, plan, and remind others.

The consequences of this imbalance are significant:

• Burnout: Moms juggling the bulk of mental labor are more likely to experience exhaustion and overwhelm.
• Strained relationships: Unequal responsibilities can lead to frustration and resentment.
• Health impacts: Stress from invisible labor is linked to physical and mental health challenges.

One commenter shared her breaking point: “I started ‘I spy’ with my stepkids. If I see something they left undone, they have to figure out what it is. Annoys them, but it shows how often they expect me to do things for them.” – @lml901367

What needs to change

It’s time to address the imbalance. Here’s how families can start sharing the load:

1. Talk About It

Open conversations about invisible labor are crucial. Couples need to ask: “Is this working for us?” and redistribute tasks fairly.

2. Use Tools Like the Fair Play Method

Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play Method is a practical system for dividing household responsibilities, ensuring both planning and execution are shared.

3. Challenge Cultural Norms

Society often expects moms to “do it all.” Breaking these patterns requires both partners to recognize and value invisible labor.

4. Empower Kids

Teaching children to contribute early can make a difference. One commenter shared: “I lined up three empty soap dispensers and made each kid fill one. They know where the refills are kept—they just needed to be reminded.” – @sarahcat20022

5. Track the Work

Making invisible work visible can help redistribute tasks. One commenter shared: “I started texting my husband every time I did a task he claimed to ‘always’ do. It wouldn’t be invisible anymore.” – @briannnnne📚

Related: The invisible labor that’s breaking moms: How unequal mental load impacts mental health

This isn’t just about fairness—it’s about strengthening families. When moms thrive, everyone benefits. Imagine the possibilities if moms weren’t the default planners of every meal, gift, and school event.

So, here’s a challenge for the refill fairy skeptics in our lives: Fill the soap dispenser. Replace the toilet paper roll. Restock the fridge. The little things add up. Because when moms get the support they need, they can finally stop carrying it all—and that’s a win for everyone.