Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood survey results

Burnout is real

For the first time this year, Motherly asked about parenting burnout and we find that nearly all moms (86%) experience it at least occasionally, and a large portion of moms (41%) are feeling burnout frequently (35%) or worse, all the time (6%). Not surprisingly, feelings of burnout are more common among mothers of more than one child, but somewhat surprising is that working moms are less likely to feel parenting burnout than non-working moms. Only 35% of working moms feel burned out frequently or always, compared to 51% of non-working moms, possibly because work is an outlet and they are spending less time “on” with their kids.

	1 Child	2+ Children	Employed	Not Employed
Never/Rarely	16%	11%	15%	10%
Occasionally	48%	43%	50%	38%
Frequently	32%	37%	29%	43%
Always	4%	9%	6%	8%

Data reference Q19: In the past month, how often have you felt “burned out” by motherhood?

Burnout or no back-Up?

The majority of moms surveyed say they are raising their family with members of their own family or their partner’s close by (71%) and 59% say they also have a non-family “village” they can call upon for help and advice. Yet, on a closer look, many moms don’t appear to be getting all the support they need. While full-time working moms tend to blame burnout on the stress of balancing work and family (54%), most moms say it is the pressure of being the primary caregiver (40% overall, 51% among part-time working moms, 73% among non-working moms). Most of the moms (73%) in the sample are working either full-time (54%) or part-time (19%) and 96% are married (90%) or with a partner (6%) who is also working (97%). When comparing time spent on child-rearing and domestic duties, the moms report many more hours clocked than their partners:

Daily Hours on Childcare, Housework, etc.	Mom Hours	Mom’s Partner Hours	Working Mom Hours	Working Mom’s Partner Hours
<1	0%	20%	1%	15%
1-2	8%	48%	12%	47%
3+	89%	30%	86%	37%

Most moms report handling child and household responsibilities mostly by themselves (63%) while only 30% say they are shared with a partner and only 4% say their partner takes care of most of the household responsibilities. Even working moms – 54% of full-time and 71% of part-time – report carrying most of the childcare/household load. Numbers are consistent despite the age of the children with 65% of moms whose kids are under 3 and 64% of moms whose kids are 3 or older reporting the same share of the burden. When asked directly about how supported they feel at home, nearly half of moms (46%) feel very supported but 47% say only somewhat supported and 7% feel unsupported. Where do moms need more support? Survey respondents most frequently point to their physical and mental health (34%, same as last year’s 33%), followed by home (22%, similar to last year’s 25%) and with their spouse (26%, similar to last year’s 24%). Data reference Q17: Are you raising children with family nearby (yours or your partner’s)? Q18: Do you feel as though you have a non-family “village” (i.e. close friends/neighbors/ congregation/etc.) whom you can call on for help/advice as a mom?Q20: Of the following, which factor do you most attribute to a feeling of motherhood burnout? Q50: How supported do you feel by your spouse/partner? Q49: Where do you feel you need the most support in your life since becoming a mom? Q38: How many hours of your day are dedicated to unpaid work (childcare, housework)? Q39: How many hours of your partner’s day are dedicated to unpaid work (childcare, housework)?

Moms have no time for self-care

While hardly any moms get eight or more hours of sleep at night (only 8%), a significant portion of moms surveyed report getting less than 6 hours of sleep per night (47%). Sleep is the most scarce among moms of multiple young children and gets better once children are older.

Hours of Sleep Last Night	Total	1 Child	2+ Children	1 Child <3	2+ Children <3	1+ <3 and 1+ over 3	All kids over 3
<6 hours	47%	42%	53%	44%	54%	54%	38%
6-8	46%	50%	43%	49%	41%	41%	55%
8+	6%	8%	4%	7%	45	5%	7%

• More so than last year, nearly half (49%) of moms report not going out with friends in the past month (compared to 43% in 2019). Moms who are at home with their kids (54%) and moms with two or more kids (54%) are even more likely to say they have not been out with friends in a month. The news is not all
• Similar to last year, half (51%) have not gone out on a date with their partner (47% in 2019).
• This year nearly 7-in-10 (68%) also say that in the last day, they had less than one hour to themselves without work or family obligations, up from 62% in 2019. Alone time is especially scarce for moms with multiple children under 3 – fully 73% of moms of those moms have not had an hour to themselves in the last day.
• The news is not all grim though—balancing out the half who are getting little-to-no time for themselves are 51% who have gone out with friends and 49% who have had date night with their partner – though an hour to yourself is a rarity, with only 32% getting that.

Data reference: Q52: How much sleep did you get last night? Q53: In the last month, how many times did you go out with friends? Q54: In the last month, how many times did you go on a date with your partner? Q56: Yesterday, how much time did you get to yourself without work or family obligations?

Millennial moms are turning the corner on having more children

In 2019, 59% of Millennial moms had only one child, 32% had two and only 9% had three or more and 51% reported planning to have more. One year later, we find this generation of moms with more kids – 38% two or more and 11% three or more with only 43% planning to add to the nest. Data reference Q2: How many children are you parent or guardian for? And Q7. Are you planning on having more children?

Motherhood is me

The trend of self-definition through motherhood continues with 71% reporting that they are “most strongly defined by their motherhood,” an uptick from the 67% who said this in 2019 and the 59% who said this in the 2018 survey. It is still the case that younger moms (78% of moms under 30), those with more than one child (78%) and those who are not in the workforce (87%) are more likely to feel this way. Data reference Q21: Select which best describes how you view your identity

Relationship + sex life

Most moms in the sample are married (90%) or living with a partner (6%). Similar to the 2019 findings, majorities report that having children has brought them closer together with their partners (70%), while one-quarter (25%) admit that parenthood has pulled them apart. Spending time together with their partners (32%) and sex life (25%) top the list of parent-related relationship tension, the same as measured in 2019. Money worries round out the top three relationship tensions at 17% while parenting differences remain lowest on the list at 11%. Pressure points of time spent together and sex cut across all relationships in equal measure regardless of number of children and working outside the home. Additional children point to more opportunities to disagree in discipline. Interestingly, money as a pressure point registers the same regardless of whether mom is working.

	Total	1 Child	2+ Children	Employed	Not Employed
Time	32%	31%	32%	31%	34%
Sex Life	25%	27%	24%	26%	25%
Money	17%	17%	17%	17%	16%
Discipline	11%	8%	15%	11%	13%

Data reference Q9: Which best describes the impact on your relationship since becoming a parent; and Q10: What is your greatest parent-related relationship tension? Digging deeper into sex as a relationship pressure point, a majority of moms (52%) report becoming interested in sex between 6 weeks and 6 months after giving birth (and 10% say before 6 weeks), fully a third (34%) report it took 6-12 months before they were really interested in sexual intimacy again. Age and multiple pregnancies/children play a role in being ready to have sex again:

	Total	1 Child	2+ Children	<30	30-34	35+
<6 weeks	10%	9%	11%	18%	10%	7%
6 weeks- 6 months	52%	48%	55%	54%	53%	50%
6 months+	34%	37%	31%	18%	32%	40%

Consistent with last year and perhaps evidence of the tension around sex after children, a third of Millennial moms (32%) report having sex with their partner before they felt ready to do so. Data reference Q11: At what point did you feel interested/ready to re-engage in sexual intimacy after becoming a mother? Q12. Did you have sex before you felt ready to do so?

Moms want and need to work—the workplace and society can do more to support women in the workforce

Trending with previous years, 53% of Millennial moms in the sample are working full-time, 19% part-time and 24% are not currently in the workforce. Among those working and living with a partner, 30% report contributing half or more of the household income; while 30% contribute between a quarter and one-half and 39% contribute less than a quarter – a significant shift from the 2019 survey in which 41% of working moms reported contributing half or more of the household income. Financial need to work is consistent with last year at 76%, however, the desire to work is evident as well. Both full-time (52%) and part-time working moms (59%) point to a “desire to participate in work outside the household.” And more than a third (38%) of working moms are motivated by a commitment to their career, particularly among those working full-time (42%). To make working “work” for them, moms are changing their work status since becoming a parent. Full-time working moms report shifting to a more flexible role (25%), working remotely (24%), working few hours (19%) and even changing fields (12%). By far for part-time working moms the biggest change is working fewer hours, (likely moving to part-time work from full-time as 55%); followed by working from home (10%). Interestingly, 18% of part-time working moms report becoming a stay-at-home parent, suggesting they are balancing primary caregiving throughout the day with work. Changes are largely motivated by the need to find a way to adjust and accommodate to parenting responsibilities (56% for FT working moms and 45% for PT working moms). While a third (33%) of PT working moms say work became less important to them, only 19% of FT working moms said work became less important to them. Unfortunately for a small but not insignificant number of women, they have changed their employment because conditions offered by their employers were not conducive to working and parenting (11% FT; 14% PT). When asked whether society sufficiently supports mothers, the answer continues to be a resounding no (89%). This is a sentiment that has grown in strength every year – from 74% in 2018 to 85% in 2019 to this year’s high. What do moms think will make a difference? Most agree (54%) that stronger government policies around paid family leave, childcare, etc.) would have the biggest impact on mothers, followed by more understanding employers. Overall, 10% of moms say better social support would make the most difference and this is even more important to non-working moms (17%). Data reference Q26: Are you employed? Q27: If “Yes”, which best matches your reason for working? Select all that apply. Q40: How much of your family’s annual household income do you contribute? Q27: Have you changed your work status (i.e., full time to part-time, etc.) in some way since becoming a parent? Q29: If “Yes”, please describe how your job situation has changed since becoming a parent; Q30: If “Yes Adjusted Work Status, which best describes the reason for adjusting your approach to work? Q13: In general, do you feel that society does a good job of understanding and supporting mothers? Q14: In your opinion, of the following, what would have the biggest impact on the support of mothers?

“Momming” at work

Moms are fairly optimistic about combining career and motherhood with the majority saying they either believe it is possible to combine them creatively (46%) or they feel empowered and that becoming a mother has helped them in their career (14%). Yet, 29% still feel burnt out – it seems impossible to combine the two. These sentiments are the same among full-time and part-time working moms. That said, working moms say employers could better support mothers through longer, paid maternity leave (20%) and on-site childcare or childcare subsidies (23%). Remote work (14%) and more flexible schedules (13%) combine for a third option to support mothers in the workforce. These desires are underscored by moms’ maternity leave experiences. While the majority (85%) of moms report their employers offered maternity leave, only 29% had fully paid maternity leave, while another 29% had partially paid leave and 27% had leave without pay. Leave without pay is even more typical for part-time workers at 36% — only 11% of these workers had fully paid leave. For those with working partners, the scarcity of leave for the other parent is evident. Fully 40% of partners had no leave. For those who do, however, the tendency is to have paid leave with 34% fully paid and 14% partially. For moms who take maternity leave, the norm is about 9-12 weeks or more and older working moms appear to have jobs with greater ability to obtain longer leaves.

	Total	Full Time	Part Time	<30	30-34	35+
<8 weeks	21%	22%	20%	33%	19%	20%
9-12 weeks	41%	43%	36%	39%	42%	40%
12+weeks	29%	31%	25%	18%	30%	31%
No leave	9%	5%	19%	9%	9%	9%

When it comes to returning to work, 63% of moms say they went back to work before they felt ready and 34% (a third) say the length of their leave compromised their ability to recover from childbirth. Most working moms feel that they can also be a mother at work (58%) though 24% do say they feel expected to pretend they are not a parent when at work. Most working moms feel their place of employment is supportive of breastfeeding. Among those for whom it applies, 56% reported their employer provides adequate breastfeeding support in the form of time, privacy, etc. Still there is work to do in this regard: 14% say their employer does not provide adequate support and another 16% say that even though their employer provides the space and breastfeeding is looked down upon in the culture of their workplace. For those who feel looked down upon, it is by both managers and co-workers. These numbers are similar to last year. Data reference: Q31: If you are employed does your employer offer maternity leave? Q32: How long was your maternity leave? (If you did not take one, select not applicable) Q33: Did you return to work before you felt ready to do so? Q34: Do you feel the length of your maternity leave compromised your ability to recover from childbirth? Q37: Did your partner have parental leave? Q35: Which best describes your mentality around combining a career and motherhood? Q41: If you are employed, how could your employer best support you as a mother? Q42: If you are employed, does your employer provide adequate support for breastfeeding? (i.e. time, privacy) Q43: If yes, but culturally you feel it is looked down upon, at what level do you feel like it is not accepted? (If you selected another answer, please select “not applicable”) Q44: Do you feel you are expected to pretend you are not a parent when at work?

Raising the next generation to be kind

Once again Motherly asked about parenting style and the qualities Millennial moms are trying to instill in the next generation. As we found last year, “kindness” is the single character trait the most moms want to cultivate in their children, with a slight bump up as the top choice at 51%.

	In Child
Most Important Quality to Cultivate	2018	2019	2020
Kindness	45%	46%	51%
Respect	16%	14%	11%
Resilience	n/a	12%	10%
Open-mindedness	11%	8%	7%
Curiosity	9%	6%	6%
Intelligence	5%	4%	5%
Braveness	5%	2%	3%
Generosity	2%	1%	1%
Tolerance	2%	1%	1%

When it comes to themselves, moms are looking to nurture their own patience (48%), understanding (15%) and compassion (14%). Far down on the list is fierceness (2%) and efficiency (1%). When it comes to parenting style, Millennial moms continue to say they are “Collaborative” the highest characterization by far at 60% and consistent with previous years. It is followed by “Hands-On,” at 20% who describe their parenting style as “I’m very involved in directing my child.” There are far fewer who say they are Disciplinarians, “I want my child to follow and obey family rules above all else” (4%) or Free Range, “I want my child to make their own decisions with limited parental interference” (4%). Data reference: Q22: What is the most important quality you aim to cultivate in your child(ren)? Q23: What is the most important quality you aim to cultivate in yourself as a mom? Q24: Overall, what best describes your parenting style?

Many Moms Experience Being Dismissed by Health Care Providers

Moms are divided on whether they always felt listened to by their health care providers, with 48% saying “always” but another 48% who said they sometimes felt listened to and 4% who said they did not feel listened to at all. More troubling, fully 44% say they felt dismissed/minimized by health care professionals at least once when expressing concerns about either their prenatal or postpartum health. Date Reference: Q15: Did you feel health care professionals listened to you during your prenatal and birth experience? Q16: Have you ever felt dismissed/minimized by health care professionals when expressing concerns about your prenatal/postpartum health?

Among the key findings of the COVID-19 addendum: The COVID-19 crisis is impacting mom’s mental health

A majority of mothers (74%) say they feel mentally worse since the pandemic began while 15% feel the same. Our original survey found the majority of millennial mothers report feeling burned out by motherhood at least some of the time, and the COVID-19 pandemic is making moms feel even worse. For women who are working full time (both in and out of the home), their primary cause of stress is childcare (30%) with family mental health being the second most cause of stress (25%). A full 74% of mamas are feeling mentally worse since the COVID-19 crisis began, while 15% feel the same. 33% also feel that what they want most post-COVID-19 is for themselves or their partners to have greater flexibility at work (27% of moms stated this was something they wanted from their employers in the first survey) . It is clear that mothers need support and they are hoping to see it in the post-pandemic world. Of mothers currently working full-time, nearly 60% are hoping to see greater work flexibility, either for themselves or their partner when the COVID-19 crisis ends.

Leading cause of stress	Full Time Working	Part-Time Working	Stay-at-Home
Childcare	31%	18%	4%
Family mental health	25%	29%	37%
Physical health of loved ones	13%	13%	14%

The coronavirus pandemic is changing the way domestic duties are split in American households

Most moms (63%) report handling childcare and household responsibilities mostly on their own. Only 30% say they are shared with a partner and just 4% say their partner takes care of most of the household responsibilities. However, the pandemic has already changed this dynamic. From March to April there was a 4% increase in the number of moms who report their partner is not working, and there has been a 12% increase in splitting household responsibilities equally, with 42% of moms reporting they split equally with their partners, compared to 30% reporting the same a month earlier. This group reports their family mental health is their biggest source of stress at 30%. (4.3% experiencing marriage/relationship issues). 32% are working full time at home while 32% are not working/stay at home moms, with 40% of partners working full time at home. Even though this subset is splitting household responsibilities equally, only 34% are splitting caregiving responsibilities equally, meaning even though partners are helping out around the house more (67% say their partner most recently bought groceries for their families) they are not equally splitting childcare as well. (compared to the opposite, below). This group is spending less time (46%) devoting to distanced learning.

Household Responsibilities	Full Time Working	Part-Time Working	Stay-at-Home
Mama	43%	48%	54%
Her partner	10%	4%	4%
Splitting equally	44%	42%	38%

For those who are splitting caregiving responsibilities equally, they are reporting that childcare is their main cause of stress right now, at 35.6%. This cohort consists mostly of both mamas and partners working from home full-time, at 47% and 45% respectively. They are also splitting household responsibilities at a much higher rate as well, at 64%. The difference in who is buying groceries is also less, with moms reporting 43% of the time while their partners are at 51% (8% difference). Post COVID-19, this group wants their family to spend more time together and for greater flexibility at work for either themselves or their partners equally (29% each). Only 3.6% experiencing marriage/relationship issues and 62% are devoting time to support distance learning (10% more than anyone who is not splitting caregiving equally).

Most pregnant women still plan to give birth in a hospital despite COVID-19

Despite a rash of headlines declaring calls to midwives regarding home births have increased during the pandemic, 96% of pregnant millennial mothers still plan to give birth in a hospital, not at home. These pregnant mothers are also, understandably, very stressed. The majority (72%) feel mentally worse since the COVID-19 crisis began. This underscores the need for continued perinatal mental health support in America, something that was already lacking before the pandemic. Not quite half (42%) of the pregnant cohort split household responsibilities with a partner and 47% of pregnant moms also have 1 child, while 30% have 2 or more.

Millennial mothers are essential workers

More than a third (33%) of respondents reported being designated an essential worker – 45% of them are working out of the home (FT or PT) but 35% are working FT at home, while 13% are not working for pay or identify as stay at home moms.

The lack of socialization + structure for kids amid COVID-19 is hard on mom

A third (33%) of moms feel the hardest thing their kids are dealing with is no longer socializing with their friends. They are also most concerned with their family’s mental health (31%) with childcare being their next concern at 20%. Many more moms with this concern are not working/stay at home moms (38%) while 97% of their partners work (FT or PT). This is most prominent in California (11%) and NY (7%). Less than half (43%) of moms who feel this way have 2 kids, while 41% only have 1. Nearly a quarter (23%) feel the hardest thing for their kids is a lack of structure/daily routine. Family mental health is still the top stress factor (32%) but childcare is close behind at 30%.

Understanding how COVID-19 has affected mamas of different ethnicities:

A higher percentage of African American respondents report being designated as essential workers (39%). This group has seen a lower proportion of layoffs for either themselves or their partners, at 14%. Interestingly, fewer African-American mothers report feeling mentally worse (64%) and much more are feeling the same (32%). They are more equally splitting household responsibilities, at 50%, but mothers are still the primary caregivers (61%). Post COVID-19, most mamas want to pay off debt/be more financially stable (32%), followed by wanting their families to spend more time together. In the Hispanic community, 40% of respondents reported either themselves or their partners were laid off due to COVID-19. Their biggest stresses right now are family mental health (28%), money (16%) and education of children (15%). About 38% of mamas are working full time at home, 38% are not working/SAHM, and 15% are working full time outside of the home. This group also has a higher rate of feeling the same since the COVID-19 crisis began (19%), while 71% feel mentally worse. A full 39% of Hispanic mamas are designated as essential workers, and 32% want to pay off debt/be more financially stable post COVID-19, while 22% wish to have more flexibility at work for themselves or their partners. For White/Caucasian mothers, 32% reported either them or their partners had been laid off due to COVID-19, while 33% are designated as essential workers. The leading cause of stress is family mental health (30%) followed by childcare (20%). In this cohort 35% are not working for pay, while 29% are working full-time for pay at home. More than half (59%) are the primary caregivers, with 22% splitting caregiving responsibilities equally. About 17% of this cohort report feeling mentally the same while 75% feel mentally worse. Post COVID-19, they most want their families to spend more time together (29%) and to have greater flexibility at work for themselves or their partners (27%).

What moms want post-COVID

Year after year more and more mothers tell us society is not supporting them. In 2018 74% said society is not doing a good job supporting moms. In 2019 it was up to 85% and this year it is 89%. Working moms say employers could better support mothers through longer, paid maternity leave (20%) and on-site childcare or childcare subsidies (23%). Remote work (14%) and more flexible schedules (13%) combine for a third option to support mothers in the workforce. Our COVID-19 addendum survey found the top desires of mothers for a post-pandemic world are more time with family (28%) and more flexibility at work for themselves or their partner (27%).

Most wanted change post COVID-19
I want my family to spend more time together	28.3%
I want myself or my partner to have more flexibility at work	27.2%
I want to pay off debt/be more financially stable	23.1%
I want my family to focus on our health	12.5%
I want my kids to be involved in fewer formal activities	2.4%
Other	6.5%

METHODOLOGY STATEMENT: Motherly designed and administered the initial survey, which reached 3,806 mothers through Motherly’s subscribers list, social media and partner channels. This report focuses on the Millennial cohort of 3,195 respondents aged 24-39. The data were weighted to reflect the racial and ethnic composition of the US female millennial cohort based on US Census data. Edge Research weighted and analyzed the data, providing insights to trends and key findings reported here. Motherly designed and administered the COVID-19 addendum survey, which reached 3,169 respondents in the Millennial cohort, ages 24-39.