New research finds you probably have a ‘favorite’ child—here’s why that’s OK

As a mom of five, I honestly don’t have a “favorite child.” But I’d be lying if I said I always feel exactly the same about each of my kids at every moment. Personality, birth order, achievements, conflict—it all plays a role in the ebb and flow of parent-child dynamics. And now, a new study confirms what many of us have felt deep down: Parents do treat their kids differently.

Not because we love them more or less, but because we’re human.

Parental favoritism: It’s not what you think

A recent study published by the American Psychological Association looked at how and why parents treat their children differently. The researchers didn’t just ask parents outright (“Who’s your favorite child?”—because let’s be real, we’d all say “I don’t have one”). Instead, they dug into concrete actions:

• Which child gets more quality time?
• Which child receives more affection?
• Who do parents invest more in financially?
• Which child gets more help with homework?

When you break it down like that, differences start to emerge—and they’re not random.

Who gets “favored” treatment?

The study found that certain traits increase the likelihood of receiving more positive attention:

• Birth order matters. Older kids often get more freedom and autonomy—not just as children, but well into adulthood.
• Temperament plays a role. More agreeable, responsible, or conscientious kids tend to get more positive attention.
• Daughters tend to be favored. Interestingly, both mothers and fathers reported favoring their daughters—challenging the old idea that dads prefer sons.

Does this mean parents love these children more? No. But it does mean that parenting isn’t always “equal”—and that’s something we need to be honest about.

Related: 6 expert ways to stop sibling rivalry

Why feelings matter more than fairness

Before you spiral into parent guilt, let’s get one thing straight: Every parent treats their kids differently. That’s not the problem. The issue arises when kids perceive those differences as unfair.

Studies show that children who feel less favored may experience more anxiety, depression, and lower self-esteem—even if parents don’t intend to play favorites. On the flip side, kids who feel like they get more positive attention often have better mental health and greater life satisfaction.

The takeaway? It’s not about making sure everything is perfectly even—it’s about understanding how your kids interpret your actions and addressing those feelings.

What can parents do?

• Be aware of how dynamics shift. If one child seems to be getting more attention (or more frustration) from you lately, ask yourself why. Is it their behavior? Your stress level? A mix of both? Awareness is the first step.
  
• Explain why things aren’t always “equal.” If one child has more responsibilities, more financial support, or more rules, talk about it. Kids don’t have to like it, but understanding why things are the way they are can ease resentment.
  
• Listen when they tell you it’s unfair. If your child says they feel left out or like you always take a sibling’s side, resist the urge to get defensive. Instead, ask: Why do you feel that way? Even if you know their perception isn’t reality, acknowledging their feelings can go a long way.
  
• Check in on your own biases. If you’re drawn toward the kid who’s more agreeable or easier to manage, that’s normal. But every child—especially the more challenging ones—deserves to feel equally valued.

Related: This simple parenting tip is a genius way to prevent sibling rivalry and jealousy

You’re not doing it wrong

If you’ve ever worried that you might be playing favorites, that’s actually a good thing—it means you care. Parenting is full of big emotions, shifting dynamics, and impossible-to-balance expectations.

But what this study really tells us is that it’s okay to have feelings—as long as we’re willing to acknowledge them, reflect on them, and make sure every child knows they’re deeply loved, even on the days when they drive us absolutely insane.

And that’s the real secret to great parenting: Not being perfect—but being aware and working to repair.