Micaela on accepting her postpartum psychosis and bipolar disorder

February 8, 2021

Content warning: Discussion of postpartum depression, birth trauma, domestic abuse or other tough topics ahead. If you or someone you know is struggling with a postpartum mental health challenge, including postpartum depression or anxiety, call 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (tel:18009435746)—The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline This free, confidential service provides access to trained counselors and resources 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in English, Spanish, and more than 60 other languages. They can offer support and information related to before, during, and after pregnancy.

I wanted a baby so badly. I remember craving one after I experienced a miscarriage. Well it happened and I was over the moon!

Pregnancy was terrifying but worth it. Birth was painful but worth it. And then came the first 6 months. The first 6 months of my son’s life were hell. It was so much more than the baby blues.

I had a serious problem—one that had always been there but worsened from birth and my experience with breastfeeding. I stopped breastfeeding at 8 weeks. I hated every minute of it and even regret doing it. It hurt every time and doing it made me angry and I hated that. It ruined sex for me forever.

Now any time something touches my nipples, rage washes over my body and I can’t control myself or my anger. I finally spoke to a mental health professional after that experience plus all of my other weird mental health stuff and I was diagnosed with psychosis.

I’ve been hallucinating for years and never really realized it or paid any attention. I only recently started paying attention because the hallucinations got worse. And louder. And more in my face. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and my moods are all over the place. It’s hard to control myself. I’m suffering through depression and I relish in the time I spend in mania. I feel like I’m the only one that enjoys mania, but it feels better than depression.

I have yet to find a good therapist. I’ve been traded around to at least 3 different ones because apparently no one is qualified to help me with my issues. That makes me feel even worse about my diagnosis.

It didn’t help my mental health but I’m doing so much better now that my son is older and less dependent on me.

I hated hearing this, but you need to hear it. It DOES get better. I know what you’re thinking. You want it to be better NOW. And I know how badly that feeling feels. But I promise. It really does get better. I’m currently coming to terms with my diagnosis and hope to find a good therapist who is qualified to help me soon.

Don’t feel alone if you’re going through something as serious as I have. It doesn’t happen often but it happens enough that you can find someone who gets it.