Lisa on feeling less depressed after returning to work and sending her kids to nursery

January 4, 2021

Content warning: Discussion of postpartum depression, birth trauma, domestic abuse or other tough topics ahead. If you or someone you know is struggling with a postpartum mental health challenge, including postpartum depression or anxiety, call 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (tel:18009435746)—The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline This free, confidential service provides access to trained counselors and resources 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in English, Spanish, and more than 60 other languages. They can offer support and information related to before, during, and after pregnancy.

3.5 years of maternity leave. All the other moms at play group loved staying home and dreaded the day when they would start to work again. Meanwhile, not a day went by without me crying hysterically multiple times.

Two kids, 19 months apart. My husband and I decided to have them close together so they would always have each other as companions and so we would be done with the baby stage quickly.

We conceived at first try. What followed were difficult pregnancies with some pretty painful issues—two unplanned c-sections, the second one an emergency c-section after uterus rupture, resulting in a highly traumatic birth experience and problems connecting with my children their first weeks of life.

Despite play groups and several girlfriends also being in the middle of the baby stage, I‘ve never felt so alone in my whole life. My dream came true and I hated almost every minute of it.

I hated being stuck at home most days, without any support or adult conversations. My husband was a dedicated father but worked long hours and the days were never ending. Most of the time I had no idea how to keep them occupied and happy.

The whining and fighting between them and the constant demands were driving me crazy. Especially my firstborn. He was so demanding during his toddlers years and always unhappy no matter what I did. I could barely cope. I was short-tempered and yelled almost as much as I cried.

Sometimes I would lock myself in the bathroom and punch the wall in there until my knuckles hurt just so I could get a ten minute break from hearing, “moooommyyyyy!“

My mental health had always been rather fragile, but now it deteriorated with every passing week, and not even the antidepressants I had already been on for years could stop the downwards spiral.

Despite loving my children more than I ever thought possible, I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I failed as a mother and hated myself for not being enough and not doing enough. At my lowest point I just wanted to die so I wouldn‘t have to suffer anymore. I had no idea who I was anymore besides the woman wiping butts and listening to whining about snacks or toys all day. I felt like an empty shell of the woman I once was.

I would love to tell you the one magical cure I found and that my life has since been all sunshine and butterflies, but that would be a lie.

Related: You’re not failing, mama

It got a lot better when my maternity leave finally came to an end. The kids went to nursery and loved it there, and I went back to work for 20 hours a week. It was stressful and to be honest it still is. But, finally putting my LLM. to use, landing my dream job, and being good at it, gave me some self-confidence back.

Now there were people in my life appreciating me for my brain and my hard work and not because I was the lady with access to the fruit snacks and the TV remote.

The kids love nursery and interacting with so many kids during the day makes them a lot more content when I pick them up in the afternoon. Now I actually look forward to spending the afternoon with them, alone at home.

My firstborn was recently diagnosed with sensory integration disorder, which explains a lot of his unhappiness during his toddler years. This reassured me that I was never an unfit mother after all, just not informed about the behavioral issues the disorder can cause and not informed about coping strategies.

I never stopped taking my antidepressants and started therapy. My therapist is a wonderful older lady, once a struggling mother herself, and she has helped me in ways I can‘t even begin to explain.

There was no easy way out of this dark hole. I crawled out inch by inch using claws, shedding blood and sweat on the way. But finally, two years after the end of my maternity leave, I finally feel like I made it.

Of course there are still days where I am overwhelmed, where the demands seem to be too much and where I yearn for a break. But overall, I now enjoy motherhood, something that seemed impossible not so long ago.

Sometimes I‘m sad I‘ve missed so much of the kids’ childhood, sad that I couldn‘t enjoy the baby stage at all, but I don‘t try to dwell on this for too long. I‘m present now. I love on them now. I enjoy their company now. I‘m still here, still fighting, still kicking. And that is more than I could have hoped for at the start of my journey through motherhood.