Leah on having postpartum depression for the second time

When You Look At My Face What Do You See?

The face of a new mother…the face of a new mother to a two day old son.

These are the tears of said mother who lost a baby one year ago. These are also the tears of a mother to a two-day old son who cried for two hours straight. These are the tears of a mother who is diagnosed with postpartum depression two days after one of the happiest day of her life.

This is the face of someone who refused to be silent.

7/14/16 As I sit in my hospital room gazing at my newborn, I can’t help but feel sad and anxious. One of the worst feelings especially since I’m supposed to be happy. I am supposed to love being a new mom, but I don’t.

This is a hard journey. I don’t know if I am ready. Can I handle two kids? Am I strong enough for this? Am I going to fail?

It’s been a long day filled with anxiety. I don’t want anyone else to hold my baby. I don’t want my baby to leave my room. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I am the only one who can properly take care of him. I did it for nine months and other than Kyle, I don’t want anyone else to hold him. I just want to sit here rocking him to sleep and cry. I am probably tired since I haven’t slept well for a few days and I am still having pain from a new c-section. I wonder if I will ever feel “normal” or if these feeling will ever go away.

8/4/16 What you just read was raw. I wrote that the Thursday after I had Saul. I held Saul alone in my room and cried. I was nervous that after having so many visitors that he was shaken without me realizing it. Where those feelings came from I have no idea. I broke down at 2 a.m. and talked to a nurse about how I was feeling.

Related: Yes, your pregnancy hormones plummet after birth. Here’s what to know about the postpartum hormone crash

That night is a night I will never forget. Those feelings of not being able to control my emotions were awful! I talked to my doctor that night and poured my heart out. I told her how I had anxiety of something bad happening to Saul. I haven’t slept since I was nervous something would happen while I slept. That night I was diagnosed with postpartum depression for the second time in my life. And I was quickly put on medication that night for it.

Most of the time when people hear the diagnosis of PPD, they think the mother wants to hurt herself or her baby or doesn’t want the baby at all. But, it can manifest differently in everyone. For me, I suffered from extreme anxiety that something awful would happen to Saul. I didn’t want him out of my sight or anyone else to hold him.

8/14/16 It has now been one month since my diagnosis and honestly, reading that top part is hard. I wrote that at a very difficult time. I was at my most vulnerable and it’s good to look back and see how far I’ve come in just a month.

As far as my anxiety goes, I am a lot better. Many people have held Saul since then and I haven’t felt anxious. I even left him with someone twice so I could run an errand and I didn’t feel like anything awful would happen while I was gone.

I do still have my bad days, but in no way do I feel how I felt that Thursday night. I am still getting medications adjusted since there are days I feel like I fake being happy. That I’m not as happy as I could be. That’s not a fun feeling to have, but I know with the right adjustment and time I will feel better.

Being on medication was something I wasn’t very happy with at first. I felt like, “what is wrong with me I need medication to be happy?” But I want to be the best mom for my kids, and the best wife for my husband, and if I need some medical help with that then I’ll take it. I know I wont be on medication for these issues the rest of my life, but right now I need it, so right now I’ll take it.