Hind on what happened when she shared her real feelings postpartum

Looking at the photo most people would think it’s simply a cute photo of a new mama and her new baby. What people don’t see is everything else behind it. 

This photo was taken two days after our little one was born. Quite possibly my hardest day postpartum. It was the day I started thinking the ward maternity staff were trying to trick me into handing over my baby to the police and social services. I knew my thoughts weren’t real, and a result of sheer sleep deprivation, but that didn’t stop me pacing the ward to check….you know, just in case. 

In the days following our baby’s birth, my husband desperately wanted to take a photo of me holding our baby. He asked me to look at the camera and smile. But I couldn’t. So as a compromise, I agreed to a photo of me holding our baby but I wouldn’t look up or smile. I simply didn’t have it in me.

Related: Spotting postpartum depression can be difficult. Here’s why you should enlist your partner’s help

You see, after our baby was born I didn’t feel a rush of love, euphoria and excitement. Instead I felt sad, anxious and frightened. 

But I didn’t tell anyone. I kept it to myself. Why? Because society’s portrayal of motherhood would have us believe that motherhood is all rainbows and unicorns. That motherhood is the most amazing thing to happen to us. And it is…but only to a certain extent, and not for everyone.

This left me wondering: “What’s wrong with me?” 

“What kind of mother doesn’t feel excited about the baby she is carrying?” 

“What kind of mother feels nothing whilst everyone coos over her newborn?”

And when I was at my absolute worst:

“What kind of mother thinks about ending her own and her baby’s life?”

Related: Suicide is the leading cause of death in new moms

I guess what I’m trying to say in all of this is look beyond what you can see. Beyond what you see in the media, on Instagram, and in person. 

Your new mama might be totally fine, and she might even be totally loving it. But she might also be crumbling and just begging for you to notice. 

You see, people said I looked great because I lost the baby weight so quickly. I lost my baby weight because I wasn’t eating. 

They said I must be doing so well because my house was so clean and tidy. My house was clean and tidy because postnatal anxiety made be obsess over cleaning instead of spending time with my baby. 

Related: Postpartum anxiety might be invisible to you—but it’s very real to me

They said it was amazing I was managing to get out every day. I got out every day because I was too scared to be left alone with my baby. 

That’s not to say it’s anyone’s fault. I became very good at hiding. Mainly because I believed this wasn’t how it was “supposed to be.” But mainly because my biggest fear was that if I told people how I truly felt then they would think that I was a bad mother who couldn’t be trusted with her own baby. 

But, when I finally started telling people how I felt I was surprised to hear how much of my experience resonated with theirs. 

Related: You’re not alone: Postpartum depression is common and can last longer than a year, says study

That they had moments where they thought, “Holy crap, what have I done?” That these moms sometimes missed their old life, they sometimes resented their baby, and that they didn’t love every bit of motherhood. 

But why did no one tell me this before?? 

I honestly think it’s because of society’s portrayal of motherhood. You know…the rainbows and unicorns. But that’s only one part of motherhood. We need more layered portrayals of motherhood. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

This is just my experience so far. For some it will resonate and for others it won’t, and that’s OK. Because it’s not until we stop painting motherhood in one form, that we can start giving parents a more realistic portrayal of motherhood.