Erikka on experiencing postpartum PTSD after the traumatic delivery of her daughter

April 19, 2021

Content warning: Discussion of postpartum depression, birth trauma, domestic abuse or other tough topics ahead. If you or someone you know is struggling with a postpartum mental health challenge, including postpartum depression or anxiety, call 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (tel:18009435746)—The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline This free, confidential service provides access to trained counselors and resources 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in English, Spanish, and more than 60 other languages. They can offer support and information related to before, during, and after pregnancy.

This picture was taken moments after my daughter was born via emergency C-section. I remember the nurses telling me to smile for the picture, to meet my baby, but I couldn’t move.

I physically and mentally could not process the trauma we had just been through. I still have difficulty talking about her birth, but I will say there were times I truly feared that my baby or I might die.

I am one of the estimated 9% of women who experience postpartum PTSD after childbirth. Symptoms can include a traumatic birth and reliving the trauma through thoughts and flashbacks, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, disassociation, irritability, and difficulty sleeping.

I am very protective of my daughter to the point of extreme anxiety. This is in part because my mind is constantly reliving the absolute hell of thinking I might lose her, and thinking that if she did make it that I might not be there to help raise her.

I’m currently in therapy and working on reframing my experiences. I don’t think I will ever forget the low points, but the silver linings are worth honoring too. After going through this scary experience together, my husband now holds me a little bit tighter. Even though I didn’t get to meet my daughter immediately after she was born, my husband got the most amazing and special opportunity to care for her on his own the first hour of her life. Although I never wanted my baby to be in any danger, I now know that my daughter is so strong and resilient.

I’m currently in therapy and working on reframing my experiences. I don’t think I will ever forget the low points, but the silver linings are worth honoring too.

When I think of her birth, I hope to remember coming back to our room to meet her for the first time. She was so calm, and so at peace snuggled in her daddy’s arms. I want to remember how absolutely floored I was when I saw her face. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life.

I want to remember my husband telling me how proud he was of me. I hope to remember how scared I was when she started to cry as they undressed her to put her on my chest. And I want to remember how she stopped crying as soon as she felt my skin on hers.

I will never take our little family for granted. I am so thankful for an incredible and supportive husband, a beautiful and healthy daughter, and two dogs who make every single day better. When I say I’ve never been happier, I mean it. Yes I’m struggling, but my heart has never known so much love. I would go through that experience a thousand times over to have our sweet girl.

I began writing this to help with my own healing, but I decided that it may be worth sharing. Traumatic births and postpartum PTSD aren’t talked about enough. I hope that sharing my story might educate others, or maybe validate another mom going through this in silence.

I’m so proud to be this sweet girl’s mom, and I’m proud to be getting the help I need with therapy and prescribed medication to be the mom she deserves.