Destiny on suffering with postpartum depression and anxiety in silence

February 24, 2020

Content warning: Discussion of postpartum depression, birth trauma, domestic abuse or other tough topics ahead. If you or someone you know is struggling with a postpartum mental health challenge, including postpartum depression or anxiety, call 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (tel:18009435746)—The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline This free, confidential service provides access to trained counselors and resources 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in English, Spanish, and more than 60 other languages. They can offer support and information related to before, during, and after pregnancy.

The poem in this picture has meant so much to me over the last few years. I get emotional every time I read it. I hold my head high and feel so thankful I found it.

A few years ago I was so excited to bring a son into my family. My daughter would have a brother! He was my last baby and I couldn’t wait to savor every second of the journey ahead. The newborn snuggles, the midnight feedings and the love shared between us all.

Immediately this pregnancy was different from my first. I was nauseous all day and had an irritable uterus that left me with painful contractions from 17 weeks on. If I wasn’t lying down, I was in so much pain. I do hair so there wasn’t much lying down being done. Thankfully the contractions never put me into labor, but I did end up having to go on bed rest with seven weeks left to go.

Around the same time I stopped working, I got bronchitis and hurt a rib from coughing so hard. Then I was diagnosed with reactive airway disease and had to go to the ER for breathing treatments and steroids a couple of times. It was scary and I felt so discouraged. I just wanted to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and I felt like I couldn’t find the joy in it.

I’ve always had depression and successfully managed it with medication. I went off my usual one and started taking a different one for both pregnancies during the third trimester. I got more depressed than usual during my first pregnancy but bounced right back to my usual self within a couple weeks of that delivery. I was expecting this to happen again during my second one but it was much worse than I anticipated.

I would lie in bed all day thinking of ways I could end my life so I could just be done with it all. Then I would think of my darling daughter and I’d snap out of it so fast. Of course I never told anyone, I mean, they’d surely take my other child away because I was an unfit mother and I just couldn’t lose my precious girl. So I suffered in silence.

All of this took a toll on my marriage and I just couldn’t wait to have my C-section and get back to my normal life. The delivery day came and as was usual for this pregnancy, it was much more difficult and extremely more painful than my first. After the surgery and back at home my anxiety was through the roof and my depression was not getting better. Again I kept it all to myself. Time went on and after five weeks, I went back to work and started feeling what I thought was better.

Over the next few months my son got RSV at four months old and it took a full year for him to fully recover. He’d cough until he threw up all night long. We made multiple trips to the hospital for suctioning to help him breath. My sweet three-year old daughter was amazing but I worried about her not getting enough love and attention.

It was all so hard and I was exhausted. Finally at six months postpartum I was ready to admit how depressed I’d been during my third trimester. I told a few close people and my doctor. They were all shocked and saddened but completely supportive, and I felt like I really could move forward now that I wasn’t carrying that weight alone anymore.

At seven months postpartum, my husband started cheating on me and I didn’t find out for a few more months. At one point after finding out about the affair, my baby boy had another coughing/throwing up episode in the middle of the night. I thought to myself, “I don’t think I’d be sad if he died.” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I could not believe I’d thought something so horrible! Why did I?! I still had not bonded with my son.

I did with my daughter instantly and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t with my boy. I realized in that moment that I was having postpartum depression still on top of the agony of filing for divorce from my husband of 11 years. My life felt like a disaster. And it was!

Then one day I saw that quote and knew with every fiber of my being that I would be OK and that I would thrive. I would shine! I got in therapy and that helped so much. I talked to my doctor and we adjusted my antidepressants. I started feeling like myself again. Around my son’s first birthday I finally felt that magical bond with my son that had come so easily with my first. The sun was starting to shine through the storm clouds and I could feel it’s warmth. My tears started drying and my heart started beating again.

Little by little, over the past three years, I’ve been able to rebuild my life and find joy again. I have a loving, supportive boyfriend that I’m so in love with and I feel proud of who I am and all I survived during the first year of my son’s life. The darkness was so heavy and lonely. The thoughts were absolutely terrifying. I feel like I missed out on all the moments I was going to savor. I wish so badly to have been able to cherish my last newborn, to smell him and feel him and love him. Thankfully I can do that now and forevermore.

I decided I wanted other women to know that they aren’t alone so I share my story when I can. I’ve never felt more empty than I did during that time. I felt so guilty for not being overjoyed because of this sweet life I brought to my family. But depression can happen anytime during and after pregnancy. Tell your doctor, your family, your friends, whoever! Just tell them. If they won’t listen, find someone who will.

YOU ARE WORTH THE BATTLE! YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE! I know you love your babies. Just like I did and do. You are not broken. You just need help and support. That’s OK!

I’ll never be the same after that pregnancy and the postpartum I experienced but I wouldn’t trade it for an easier one. The tears I shed—I made them diamonds. You can too. I love you, brave momma, you can do this!