Candice on getting help for postpartum psychosis

January 25, 2021

Content warning: Discussion of postpartum depression, birth trauma, domestic abuse or other tough topics ahead. If you or someone you know is struggling with a postpartum mental health challenge, including postpartum depression or anxiety, call 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (tel:18009435746)—The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline This free, confidential service provides access to trained counselors and resources 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in English, Spanish, and more than 60 other languages. They can offer support and information related to before, during, and after pregnancy.

I am a first time mom to the most perfect baby boy. My husband and I were blessed with getting pregnant fairly easily and we found out in November 2019 that we were going to be parents in early July 2020. We were over the moon with excitement.

Our pregnancy had some ups and downs. I am sure most of you recall how life drastically changed in March 2020. I went from normal pregnant life to being quarantined alone in my living room. I noticed then that my mental health was starting to be affected. I was getting more and more worried about how I was going to give birth during this pandemic and how I was going to prepare for a baby and motherhood.

My anxiety and depression worsened during pregnancy due to many factors; canceled baby shower, working from home, limited social interaction, isolation, canceled trips, financial stress, COVID fear, etc.

I had to start going to my baby appointments without my husband and I have white coat syndrome. I wanted to make sure I asked the right questions and remembered everything to report back to my husband. I originally planned on telling my doctor about my prenatal anxiety/depression but I never did. I regret that so much.

Fast forward to June 2020. In typical first-time mom fashion, I had the nursery of my dreams all ready to go, my bags packed and a few items ready for postpartum. I had spent countless hours of quarantine on Instagram reading all the mother-to-be articles and I felt like I was so prepared. Luckily, the hospital allowed my husband to come for our son’s birth, but my mom wasn’t allowed to come. I was crushed.

Our 8 pound 11 ounce baby boy was born via emergency c-section after approximately 23 hours of labor and a botched epidural. I always told myself that if a c-section had to happen, I would be OK. However, I still had fallen victim to the horrible stigma that birth via c-section doesn’t mean as much for the mother and the babies’ bond. Now I know, that is simply not true.

My postpartum anxiety set in almost immediately. My biggest goal was to exclusively breastfeed for at least 6 months. My son took to breastfeeding amazingly! He was a champ and we learned together. However, my mind was beginning to spin and all I could think about was if he was going to be able to get enough to eat and how I was going to keep this up at home.

My blood pressure skyrocketed right before discharge and I finally told my doctor I was having some major anxiety. He prescribed me 50 mg of Zoloft and said to reach out if we needed anything.

God has blessed me with the best support system. I say that to let others know that even with a great support system and all the preparation, that postpartum anxiety/depression can happen. Those first days at home were the worst in my life. My anxiety was getting worse by the day and the only joy I had was during our feedings.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was guzzling water and my body temperature wouldn’t stay regulated. My body was healing from the surgery and I was in horrible shape. My mother and mother-in-law were there to help. I was so unsure of every decision that I felt worthless unless I was feeding him.

I had so much anger and confusion from the traumatic birth. I was worried about if I was going to be a good mom and be able to continue breastfeeding. It is hard to explain, but my mind was racing and I thought I was doomed to be a bad mom.

I always heard that you don’t sleep with a newborn, so I assumed that the lack of sleep was normal. We continued to focus on trying to sleep by taking melatonin, lavender spray, hot showers, using a sound machine, eye mask, ear plugs…you name it, we tried. I may have gotten 15 minutes here and there but after 10 days, I probably slept about 2 hours combined from those mini naps.

My anxiety and blood pressure were so bad that I couldn’t turn my brain off and I began to get paranoid and confused. I had lost 30 pounds since giving birth. We called the doctor and he said that the lack of sleep was normal and if my blood pressure got worse then to go to the ER. We were afraid to go to the ER because of COVID. I continued to normalize how I was feeling and try to sleep.

On day 10, my body couldn’t handle it anymore and I became delusional. I had such severe delusions that my husband called 911 and an ambulance took me to the emergency room. I later found out that I had postpartum psychosis.

I woke up alone in the ER and wasn’t sure how I got there. I was so confused and scared. But how did I become one of those women you hear about on TV? How did I let it get this bad? Did I hurt anyone? Is my baby going to be ok without me? How am I going to feed him if I am here? Did my neighbors see what happened? Do people know?

The ER let my mom come collect some milk I had pumped. My husband wasn’t allowed in and he was now trying to juggle work, a newborn and a sick wife. I still feel guilty for what he went through during that time. He continues to still be my rock.

Being away from my son for 5 days when he was so young was difficult as you can imagine. But I got the help and rest I needed. Treatment for postpartum is out there. I wish I would have gotten help before it got so bad but mental health is tricky like that.

It has now been almost 5 months since my episode and I feel like myself again. I am working through that trauma today and have an amazing therapist who specializes in postpartum and a psychiatrist. My baby boy is so healthy and thriving! He is now on formula and I am learning to be OK with that. Our bond is incredible and motherhood truly is such a gift.

I know it sounds so cliché, but It is so important to take care of yourself in order to be the best mom you can be. Through all of this, I am so thankful to God for making me a mother. I want to use my voice to help others understand that becoming a mother is so much more than what we see on social media and all the perfect posts and articles.

The connection you have with your baby is the most pure and amazing feeling. Mental health has always been a passion of mine and I hope that sharing my story will help others and break down the stigma.