Caitlin on how therapy gave her the tools to cope with postpartum rage and anxiety

In the photo attached, I knew I was well on the way to beating my postnatal anxiety. For the first time since my twins were born 17 months prior, I spent 36 hours alone with them and we were all smiling at the end of it.

Rewind to 12 months before that and I would have told you that you were dreaming if you thought I could do that by myself. I have always been a “nervous” person, but when my twin boys came along they turned everything upside down and inside out.

By the time the boys were six months old, I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t sleeping. My temper was at a constant simmer and I would snap at my husband for the smallest of things. The boys didn’t escape either. It didn’t take much for me to start yelling at them. I had so much rage inside me I would often throw or kick things.

Related: Postpartum anxiety might be invisible to you—but it’s very real to me

Finally my husband begged me to go see the doctor. He knew that I wasn’t myself and wanted me to get the help that I needed. I knew he was right so went to my GP. I’m quite a prideful person so initially it was hard to speak, but I ended up breaking down in his office in floods of tears.

From there we set up a mental health care plan and by serendipity I snagged a canceled appointment with a psychologist the next week (who usually has a 6 week wait, thank you universe!) To say that she changed and saved my life is not an exaggeration.

I wasn’t depressed, but had so much rage that I sometimes felt unsafe. I knew that I wouldn’t hurt my babies but I couldn’t go on feeling this way. She made me feel seen, heard and understood. I wasn’t a bad mother, just one that needed help.

Related: Flooded with shame after mom rage? A therapist shares what can help

She helped me to realize that my anxiety manifested as anger and rage, something I had never heard mothers speak of before. She gave me a toolbox and equipped me with strategies, but she also helped me to not feel alone.

It took 12 months of therapy for me to start feeling like myself again. Don’t get me wrong, I still have moments where I feel that anxiety creeping back up on me, but now I have the knowledge and tools to help me deal with it. And for that I will be forever grateful. My biggest takeaway is to talk, and keep talking. A saying here in Australia is, “It aint weak to speak,” and it’s not. Speak up. Do what you need to for you because you can’t pour from an empty cup.