To my firstborn—you’ll always be my first love

Is it too soon? I ask myself as you toddle in and chat excitedly about the baby in mommy’s belly. “Where is she?” you ask. “But I don’t see her,” you insist when I tell you she’s in there.

Will you miss our special time as a trio? I wonder, as we snuggle on your rug at night, you, Daddy and me, under a blanket too small to cover us all. But you don’t realize, pulling it up over us anyway, feet popping out, giggling all the while.

Were we selfish? I worry as I rush to comfort you during the night when a fever spikes and you call out our names. “Mama!” “Daddy!” And we’re both there in a minute.

How can I possibly love another child as much as I love you? I question myself, as you run into my waiting hug and beg for just a million more.

But I tell myself that we’ll learn these new steps together in stride, just as we did when you found your way into the world and became all of mine. Because it was you, my sweet boy, who taught me how to be a mama.

It was you who, in those first weeks, rested your head contently on my chest, just when I thought nursing might be too hard to handle. And it was you who flashed your first smile as the washer broke, amid mounds of spit-up stained laundry.

You were the one who settled my breathing, as it quickened and tightened during my first panic attack. And it was rocking you at night that saved me when my maternity leave came to an end.

When you brought your very first stomach virus home and we all got sick at the same time, it was the sound of your first laugh that saved us during the eleventh hour, when we were questioning what made us think we were strong enough to care for a family.

We learned together how to navigate pediatrician visits and shots, what rocks and rhythms made nighttime smoother, how to introduce foods and when to wean. After six months, it was you who gave me the signal it was okay to stop nursing. When endless pumping sessions at work had me in tears, you assured me you’d love me just as much if I picked up a bottle of formula, gulping it down with a smile, your hands resting on mine.

When I worried at work each day that you were bonding more with your daycare teachers in those long hours than we ever could at home, you shared your first word, reminding me how special our bond is in that sweet, jumbled “mama.”

We did it all, together.

And even now, as I worry about transitioning you into a big boy bed, you excitedly accept the challenge and graciously tell us we can give your crib to your new baby sister–just not your blanket.

At daycare, you rock the baby dolls, and you tell everyone you pass what your baby sister’s name will be. You ask to read about Daniel Tiger and Baby Margaret, making sure I know how to navigate what’s on your horizon.

Because, baby boy, you’ve always been quicker to adapt than me. Sometimes I think it’s you who is teaching us.

You see, baby boy, it was your encouragement and love all along that guided me into motherhood. And it was your hugs and kisses and “good job mama’s” that told me I could do this again.

Life will change as our family grows, but we’ll keep learning together.

It’ll be you who marches into that Kindergarten class, head held high as you proudly wear the backpack you picked out yourself, reminding us that time stops for no one.

It’ll be you who introduces us to practices and clubs, field trips and permission slips–I’m sorry in advance for the ones I’ll forget to sign!

It’ll be you who turns my grip white, as you tuck your permit into the glovebox and pull onto the street for the first time.

It’ll be you we wait up for first, worried that you haven’t called. And it’ll be you who heads off to college, leaving the house that seems too small feeling much too big.

But before your baby sister comes, and time continues to carry us in its unforgiving pace, I’ll soak up every undivided second of attention I can give you. I’ll snuggle you close and savor our chats. And we’ll follow each other’s leads, continuing to figure out this whole thing called life together.

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